mindingmybiz

Adulthood Stranger Danger

There’s a label I keep hearing people throw on others, and that is simply this: “Weird”.

This “weird” is a pejorative, meaning: “not like me/us”. It could be anyone different, as if there is one set-standard of what’s considered “normal” and “acceptable”, which happens to confirm my biases!

In childhood, this may have helped keep kids safe from trusting all adults they didn’t know. In adulthood, the context for keeping ourselves safe is different because we are adults. We’ve got more capacity and maturity; emotionally, relationally, psychologically, financially, and physically.

What is “weird” or “strange” to us in adulthood could simply be what is unfamiliar or different. That’s it!

But how would we learn and grow if we approached everything that was unfamiliar or different as “dangerous”? Nobody would learn a new task or a new perspective or anything new at all! We would be pretty stunted people.

When it comes to meeting new people and encountering different perspectives as adults, “stranger danger” is a major barrier. If you want to learn and grow beyond what you already think and know, or think you know, then start to embrace differences.

Different does not equal danger.

Disagreement does not equal danger.

Different does not equal deviant, aberrant, unsafe, or threatening…unless of course, you’re firmly stuck in being very fragile, rigid, inflexible, and have Difference Intolerance Disorder. Admittedly we can all slip into that state of being, and – we can all move beyond it, too.

Difference Intolerance Disorder is not an actual diagnosis. I just made that up. But I’ve experienced this in myself and with others, and it stunts adult growth and development.

When you encounter people who have a different take on something than you do, this does not mean they are dangerous. It simply means they have a different perspective.

When you encounter people who disagree with you, or whom you disagree with on certain issues it does not have to equal threat. It simply means there is a disagreement – a different perspective.

People are different than you. People see things differently. This is normal. Not weird.

What is weird is this generalization of Difference-Intolerance-Disorder, in that people expect others to be just like them, or they feel a sense of danger or threat which activates an intense response of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – as if THAT is normal.

We have this ignorant-ignorance setting in where we are ignorant of our ignorance and are unwilling to learn. Instead, we quickly label anyone as different than us as “weird” in the pejorative.

May I suggest that we start seeing these differences and disagreements as opportunities to learn more about one another, ourselves, and grow out of ignorance?

Even if we didn’t change our conclusions, we could change how we understand others and how we relate to them. We won’t cling to needing others to be so like us, to feel OK.

Adulthood stranger danger is not cute, beneficial, psychologically or socially adaptive.

Difference Intolerance Disorder creates stunted adults and a not so good social ecology. Consider how biodiversity is embedded in nature.

There is an alternative way to be with those who are simply and normally, different. This involves humility, courage, and curiosity.

Imagine a world where people, just like the rest of nature, would expect (vs. suspect) and tolerate differences as if that was normal.

If you’re usually surrounded by or interacting with people who are pretty much just like you, consider all that you’re missing out on. And then get out there and grow.