This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the month “December, 2019”

To Humanly Exist…

What does it mean to be human?

What does it mean to be “enough”?

To be human is to be enough, and not inherently lacking.  Yet, we have needs.  We have needs that are not always met right away.  How do you cope with unmet longings without letting go of your own heart and soul?  Is it by connecting to your heart and soul, without an agenda other than to just see the soul in its purest and most vulnerable form?  No masks, no pretenses.  

Consider nature.  It shows its bare naked soul, 24/7.  I don’t see the trees trying to cover their tree nature up or hide from being seen as a tree, while trying to imitate the ocean instead.

The wind blows, and doesn’t try to flash like lightning bolts.  The sun shines its bare naked soul, and doesn’t try to alter itself and shine instead, like the moon.  The orchid doesn’t try to be like the rose and strive to grow thorns. Nature exists, naked and unashamed. 

Nature is strong and yet, it is impacted by humans who have free, independent wills.  

Humans are impacted by independent wills, while being also impacting how others use their own wills. 

What is it like to be who you are, and not try to be who you aren’t?  We have so much to learn from nature.

To be contently human means to live in the fluctuating ambiguity of what it means to long for, and yet be satisfied with what is.  It is part of the human experience to feel pain and loss, to love and reach out, while risking rejection, to let go, as well as to passionately embrace.  To experience joy and abundance, grief and dissonance, yet understand that nothing we know as we know it, is permanent.   

How to live humanly well is to live in acceptance of our power and limitations.  To live in mystery and understanding.  There are not always available answers. And yet to accept this mystery while not shutting down, or tripping up others from getting their own unique answers and experiences, is how to live well, together.

The answers I seek, the security I seek, is found in letting go of that which I cannot control.  I cannot control as much as I try to, yet I can control more than I believe I can.  My power is expansive, yet I feel constriction when I am withholding my own power, from myself.   

I am impacted by my environment, that is not weakness – it is nature at work.  I am a living and evolving creature who is impacted by her environment, and also impacts her environment.

The anchor to life’s ups and downs can be found in the most basic of ways – connection to my soul.  I’m finding my soul is similar to others yet has a uniqueness only I possess.  I can intimately engage with my soul yet, experience she is evolving and can be as mysterious as the night-time sky.  And I find what anchors me in one moment, can shift just like the night-time sky.  And what anchors me, may differ from what anchors you. I can be at peace, with all of this.

Living life well is about living in paradox, well.    

Just like the universe, it is expansive and reaches way out there and is always expanding, yet is right here, within my soul. 

And, I believe it is in your soul as well.

Trust Your Anger

Say what?

Yes. I am here to tell you that you can trust your anger. This emotion has been so poorly misunderstood for many folks, including myself. And I understand why. When we don’t understand that our anger is offering us a love-based power, we tend to distrust, fear, resist and/or misdirect it.

I’ve done all the above. Yet the thing is with anger (and all of our “negative” emotions) it doesn’t magically disappear just because we ignore it. Emotions are energy, and according to my high school daughter’s science teacher; energy cannot be destroyed or created, but transferred. Now, whether the act of transferring of energy is conscious or not, that’s where having an empowerment lens regarding emotions comes into play.

What if anger is meant to be a loving and persistent wake up call? A clarion call to expand, first within yourself.

When we keep hitting the ‘snooze’ button on our anger, it doesn’t work out too well for long. Anger is meant to wake you up and the more you try to resist it, the more it will persist even if it means it has to come out sideways. And when our emotions have to come out sideways, there are usually unforeseen and undesirable “side effects”, pun intended.

Common ways anger comes out sideways is by being super judgmental and intolerant of certain differences, while feeling a sense of self-righteousness. It also comes out by being covertly aggressive while feigning this helpless victim/vindictive mode of operation, triangulation, gossip, “isms”, divisiveness, and ultimately consumes a ton of energy to keep anger, on lock-down. Sometimes there is so much energy used up to lock-down anger (which again is energy itself) that people will collapse or implode from basically going to war with their own energy. Depression comes to mind.

I see depression as energy literally used to depress energy; an emotional civil war of sorts that presents in a multitude of self-harming ways in order to release this built up tension from a civil or internal war. There will be success in the sense of temporarily avoiding the anger, but this comes at a huge cost. Consider countries who are engaged in civil wars; burning up valuable resources to fight themselves.

The goal of avoiding anger may be reached by not ever authentically expressing it, but usually this results in ultimately feeling: ISOLATED and drained, while blaming external factors or people, for the internal civil war. That IS depressing.

What if your anger wants to bring you connection, first within. What if anger was a bridge between the gap of who you think you “ought” to be and who you are, authentically?

Anger is an alarm. It’s a wake up call. What is anger waking you up to?

Your TRUE SELF and the power you have in being true to this self.

You may keep hitting snooze on your anger if you fear and judge aspects of yourself, as well as your own sense of personal power. You may believe it’s better to give away your power, and hold someone else responsible for this. Yet when they inevitably disappoint you with your power you’ve given away, you blame them. This keeps you stuck. If this is what you want, don’t change a thing. Don’t look within.

If you want something different, you’ll have to be willing to do something, different.

The way out, is through your anger. Listen to it.

When I’ve tapped into my own anger, this is what I’ve heard it saying: 
Hear Me. See Me. The REAL Me.  Stop giving me away to other people. Stop giving away my Power. Stop abandoning me. I know you can handle me. You can handle my power. I am trustworthy, but I will not shut up. I am not evil. I will not make you “sin”. I do not want to harm you or others. I want to wake you up to something bigger and better, but you are asleep within your comfort zone, fearing the unknown. Fearing the unfamiliar. I am here to provide you with the necessary fuel to trek through uncharted territory and do things that are not within your norm. The norm is boring and lulling you to sleep. I am here to WAKE YOUR LOVELY ASS UP to how parts of you have been indoctrinated with bullshit. Do you want to hold onto bullshit? I am here to wake you up to living a life that you truly mean to live, yet there are limiting subconscious beliefs getting in the way. I’m not afraid to confront bullshit, I can handle it. Trust me, and WAKE UP.”

This is the empowered message of anger. It’s a wake up call to live more consciously and authentically. Ironically, the more you snooze your anger, the more you will distrust it because you are experiencing the side-effects of denied anger, which comes out SIDEWAYS.

And you SHOULD be leery of anger that comes out sideways. It ain’t pretty, it’s quite depressing actually. And yet you can let your anger direct you, back to yourself, one step at a time.

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