The Weight of What Adults Cannot Face
Before children ever blame a parent, they blame themselves. A child will twist themselves into knots to believe their parent is safe, because the truth is too terrifying to hold. And when adults can’t reflect or repair, children assume the fault must be theirs.
Children developmentally interpret conflict with their parents or other attachment figures as their own doing — and even more so, as evidence that something is wrong with them — especially when shame is induced, implicitly or explicitly. Because children depend on their parents for survival, the idea that a parent cannot provide emotional or intellectual safety is more frightening than believing, “This must be my fault.”
Decades of developmental and attachment research show that when children cannot rely on their parents for emotional, relational, and intellectual care — beyond basic physical needs — it can contribute to developmental trauma.
This isn’t about blaming parents. Most adults are doing the best they can with the capacities, histories, and models they were given. Parenting that extends beyond the physical and material into the emotional, relational, and spiritual realm nurtures children’s developing brains and nervous systems. And when those deeper forms of guidance, attunement, and protection aren’t predictably available or restored, the impact is significant — not because parents are “bad,” but because children are still developing their sense of safety, self, and reality.
If you’d like to explore the research behind this, look up authors such as Daniel Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, Allan Schore, Peter Fonagy, John Bowlby, and others who have spent decades studying how children develop in the context of relationships.
Spiritually speaking, the non-material aspects of human experience — intellect, emotion, and relationship — require dependable, humble parenting. Some parents struggle to provide this because of their own histories, stressors, or limited support. This is understandable. Parenting is profoundly difficult, and many adults were never shown the emotional skills they now need to give.
At the same time, there are parents who do have access to resources, stability, and support — yet remain highly defended, emotionally unavailable, or unwilling to grow because it doesn’t initially or instantly feel comfortable. This is a different scenario. These patterns are not about poverty, single parenting, or survival stress. They are about rigid defenses that block reflection, repair, and relational responsibility. And this is where my voice steps up as an advocate for children.
When parents repeatedly make relational missteps and do not recognize them, own them, or repair them, the child absorbs the cost. This is not a reflection of the child’s worth or behavior. It reflects a mismatch between what the child developmentally needs and what the parent is willing or able to offer.
When parents leave a void by refusing reflective repair because it’s too uncomfortable — and this persists for years or even decades — something is out of order. To be that out of touch with your children for so long, and for that pattern to ripple into the next generation, is a sign of intergenerational trauma maintained by extremely rigid defenses.
When adults who have been grown for decades still avoid reflective work despite relational fallouts, estrangements, and fractured connections — and instead defend themselves by avoiding or blaming others, including their own children — we’re witnessing something that runs counter to our natural evolutionary instincts to protect and nurture our young beyond material needs.
This usually results in an interpersonal life that does not support close, secure relationships. And yet some continue as if this isn’t a significant enough problem to address.
In contrast:
People who feel discomfort — shame, fear, anxiety, guilt, grief, anger — and choose to self-reflect, change, heal, and grow are demonstrating a courageous and adaptive response that becomes more available in adulthood. This contrast matters, because many people have never encountered it. All they’ve known are individuals who live in defensive extremes.
To be clear: My purpose in writing this is to advocate for children — not to suggest that children should never be challenged, corrected, or held accountable for their missteps. Accountability is essential. But it must be offered in ways that preserve a child’s dignity, understands developmental capacities, and teaches them how to self-reflect, by modeling it yourself — a skill they will need throughout their lives.
As the saying goes: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.
The same principle applies to children. If you give them rules, expectations, or checklists, you help them for a moment. But if you teach them to think critically and reflectively — rather than merely obediently — you give them a skillset they can use across many contexts throughout their life. You help them build resilience and adaptability for whatever life brings.
Parenting is a long game. It is profoundly difficult to do well — but possible, and deeply rewarding.
May we all learn to reflect more, rely less on defenses, and mind our emotional biz — for the sake of the children in our care.
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