mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the category “Emotional Empowerment Coaching”

03 Oct 2024

On Emotions

from

Emotions are part and parcel of being alive and human. They exist for the purpose of survival and flourishing.

Emotions are forces of energy which propel us to take particular actions that are supportive, protective, transformative, and creative.

Yet, just like other forces of nature or energy like heat – their power can range from being productive to destructive.

One of the first things to understand about emotions is that most of our understanding about emotions is flawed. More specifically – misguided, unhelpful, and even harmful.

Emotional literacy is not taught in our schools, nor is it valued. This leaves us far more ignorantly vulnerable and unprotected to the pathological, maladaptive, and misuse of emotions which are incredible sources of energy, power, healing, and innate wisdom.

Instead, we judge ourselves and others for having emotions even though they are a natural part of human evolution. We apply a lens that is restrictive and limiting to our emotions that is dualistic: “right or wrong”, “good or bad”. This makes it a lot harder to do what is evolutionarily intended: to feel them, and if they are intense – to feel and acknowledge them in the presence of supportive and understanding others.

So then – How do things go so awry when it comes to emotions?

Let’s start from the beginning, when humans start to develop. Infancy.

In order for infants to develop optimally – they naturally need and depend on an emotional bond with at least one caregiver that is characterized by a felt experience of: Belonging, reliability, comfort, being delightfully interested in, nurturing, and protection.

This kind of relationship in turn facilitates, understands, and values the preverbal communication of the infant – which is through expression of a range of different emotions.

The infant expresses feelings and needs: physical, social, and psychological. This forms the foundation for the child to develop their sense of who they are (self), in and through their relational experience of feeling enoughness: safe enough, good enough, on a consistently enough basis.

The necessary enoughness involves relational repairs when the inevitable human misattunements occur, which rupture the secure emotional bond from being experienced.

Relational repairs in childhood actually increases the tolerance level for inevitable misattunements and minor emotional injuries by loved ones. This is in a similar fashion to how the immune system develops – through micro exposures to a variety of foreign organisms it’s forced to adapt to, but I digress…

This kind of relational experience with at least one significant caregiver becomes internalized and cultivates how the child comes to see themself, even in a not yet consciously aware way.

This relationally developmental process profoundly influences the initial way the child sees themself and others in the years to come.

So, for better or worse: Young and vulnerable humans (infants) internalize how they are treated, responded to, and reflected back, by caregivers.

How are the inevitable mishaps, misattunements, and miscoordinated interactions by loving but imperfect caregivers handled?

It depends a lot on how the caregiver responds to feeling vulnerable and exposed as imperfect. This is where the difficult but important emotion of shame comes in. How do they respond to feedback that communicates: You’re missing me. You’re not getting it right with me – and it’s important to get it right – which activates some shame go alert for a course correct.

Will the caregiver rigidly defend against feeling shame and vulnerability to making mistakes? Or will they be open to owning that natural although uncomfortable part of being human and learn because shame is a marker that something important is occurring in this moment.

Can they respond to the invitation to reflectively course-correct with compassionate curiosity? This is the gift of within-tolerance-level shame. It alerts us to the inevitable need to course-correct when engaging in something that is important to us, like our relationships.

Course-corrections are a universal aspect of what it means to be human.

Humans are mistake-and-error-makers.

And –

Human are an incredibly teachable species, or we would not have been able to adapt and survive.

This learning or adaptiveness takes place when we are not so hardened to shame.

Self-compassion is an essential protector from intolerable shame which often in turn leads to being defended against or hardened to shame. That just robs us of the opportunity to make adaptive changes and course corrections on this journey called life.

That is my evolving introductory reflections from reading about attachment, affective neuroscience, developmental trauma, and on accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP) which is a healing oriented approach to therapy.

In deep gratitude I continue to learn and have been profoundly influenced by studying the work of:

  • Diana Fosha
  • Hilary Jacobs Hendle
  • Peter Fonagy
  • Kristin Neff
  • Steven Hayes
  • Daniel Siegel
  • Ed Tronick
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02 Jun 2021

All Emotions Welcome

from:

All emotions are welcome to eat, at the table of consciousness.  I affirm the valuable energy and wisdom, equally inherent in all emotions.

I uphold a non discrimination policy regarding emotions.  I also acknowledge that our western culture privileges certain emotions being tolerated, expressed, and openly shared, while other emotions remain underprivileged and discriminated against in the guise of being “virtuous”, “spiritual” and/or “strong” and “having it together”.

A multi-emotional diversity culture is a culture in which we co-create, with the intention of becoming more intimate and consciously aware of our inconspicuously held conditioning which reinforces emotional bias, ignorance and spiritual bypassing.  And then, update and expand this space to fully inhabit YOU.

This conditioning may often privilege comfortable emotions, while implicitly or explicitly, discriminates and devalues emotions that aren’t considered as “acceptable” or “appropriate” because they cause discomfort (to others or yourself), namely unnamed shame.

I’ll call this kind of emotional discrimination: “Emotionalism”

Many of us have internalized emotionalism. It is a form of Self-denial and emotional dishonesty, but can often mistakenly be considered “spiritual” or “conscious evolution” in certain circles.

Perhaps it is.

Perhaps it isn’t.

We can delve into this if you’ve got a subtle but undeniable inkling that there’s more to it. More to you. And, you’re ready to go deeper inside.

Contact me if you feel a curiosity with your emotions, yet can relate to internalized emotionalism. I have personal, lived-experience in recovering and healing from this all too common intrapersonal dynamic. The freedom and deeper level of trust and respect from within, is so worth it. This is a labor of love through Emotional Empowerment Coaching, where we value all your emotions, and can utilize the energy contained within emotions in a life-giving way that does no harm to others, or self.

Because, all emotions are welcome.

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24 May 2021

Let’s Take a Journey Within!

Often we take up a kind of space inside without conscious awareness of what that space holds, or doesn’t hold for us.

Often, we need a present, presence of another to ask, inquire, pause and reflect with a curious, humble, and genuinely interested person who is focused on making the space to illuminate and bring forward what’s going on inside without knowing what will be found.

The deeper vulnerable aspects of us are often not readily accessible with just any kind of space.  There’s a shyness that marks this kind of space, a hiding, and yet a longing to come out of hiding.  What can call forth this coming out of hiding?

Deep and abiding presence without pretense or a hidden agenda to “fix” you, but rather to know and see you, and deeply respect all that shows up.

I believe this kind of space is healing, transformational, illuminating, and deeply spiritual.  This kind of seeing and witnessing inside ourselves, while another witnesses and holds this kind of space is profoundly divine and yet, based in human to human connection.

This kind of showing up isn’t for the faint at heart.  It takes incredible courage because this is risk-taking in the most profoundly vulnerable level – being fully seen.  This act is one of honor and courage.

We’ve learned many defensive mechanisms to avoid this at all costs, yet we also crave this kind of nurturing presence like a baby craves being safely and warmly held.  It’s innate.  It is also something I’ve found that is contagious.  When you’ve experienced being in this kind of space, you will start to pass this kind of space-making onto first yourself, then to others.  It’s contagious in an empowering and soul-freeing way.

Learning to tune into our emotions on the way to taking up residence in this space is an act of defiance against our self-sabotaging fears, as well as an act of taking back core energies that we need in order to thrive.  This often requires us to do some work in practicing feeling some intense discomfort and knowing that these discomforts come and go, and strengthen us with each passing wave.

Often we need the present, presence of another while we expand our level of conscious awareness while the ego or old survival patterns pull out all of their stops to keep us inside an outdated comfort zone.

My coaching style involves a combination of inquiry, curiosity, gentleness, and authenticity.  This isn’t about perfection or propriety, rather this intentional presence gives you permission to show up authentically with me.  My commitment is to bring in the full presence of my intuition, curiosity, and honoring the trust-seeking to usher in this kind of space where you will also practice ushering in this kind of space for yourself and others.  It’s a practice for yourself that’s so incredibly worthwhile, just like you.  I’d be honored to join you on this part of your journey.

I’m a certified Emotional Empowerment coach and I’m now taking clients!  If this style of coaching and presence is something that calls to you, contact me for more info on emotional empowerment coaching sessions with affordable packages and pricing!

Posted in Emotional Empowerment Coaching, Emotional Empowerment Coaching, emotional health, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

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