mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the tag “recovery”

26 Sep 2022

On Addiction

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There are many ideas and images we hold in our minds when it comes to addiction.  Some of them are more Hollywood, simple, and basic and some are more comprehensive and complex.  There are a lot of caricatures of “addicts” that portray a very negative and misleading idea on what addiction is and isn’t. Very seldom do those caricatures do any justice to what addiction entails. So sometimes a deeper dive into the mysterious nature of addiction is helpful. That’s what I’m doing in this post.

Even though addiction seems to be a hotly debated topic, most people would agree that it’s a formidable force that’s cunning and shrewd.  And in its wake; kills, steals, and destroys one’s quality of life, relationships, and even one’s very own sense of Selfhood. This is often done in secrecy and isolation, until it cannot be contained there any longer. This can often be an invitation out of hell, albeit an abrupt and harsh one, that can at first feel like total defeat. 

I’ve found that most people don’t want to be labeled by another as an addict. That’s tantamount to name-calling. If they identify themselves as an addict, that’s different. And sometimes identifying what addiction is, who has it and who doesn’t, can be chanted to a sneering beat of: “I know you are, but what am I”.

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I believe that addiction is fundamentally a spiritual condition of disconnection; from one’s very own self, others, and to the ever-increasing uneasy parts of reality we would rather just make disappear.  Its symptoms are deception (first to self, then others), discord, and disruption from receiving life-giving force or energy.  This is why I believe addiction is fundamentally spiritual in nature: it’s initially invisible to merely physical metrics but will manifest its occupancy in the physical domain in only a matter of time.  Just wait.  Once it’s successfully enticed you and occupies your mind, body, and soul it won’t just stop there.  It’s far too ravenous.  Addiction is characterized by a spiritual energy which has an unsatiable hunger that doesn’t discriminate. It’s often been said that addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. 

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Addiction is far more inclusive than any of the most inclusive anti-bigot activists out there.  Truly, all are welcome. It doesn’t give a shit about how smart, stupid, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, conservative, liberal, socially privileged, marginalized, religious, non-religious, gay, straight, one gendered or non-binary gendered, physically or mentally abled, disabled, single, divorced, married, remarried, polyamorous, vaccinated, non-vaccinated, Black, White, Yellow, Red, Brown, Multi-racial, Bi-racial, young, or old, etc. etc. etc., you are.  If you’re alive, it will accept you with open arms.  It will take you in and devotedly take you down and not only that, but it will want to take down your loved ones as well.  The more you love them and the more they love you, the more it will want their mind, body, and soul too.  Addiction is a family contagion because family is often whom you love and care about the most.

And, when addiction has fraternized and colonized your mind, body, and soul without a good enough fight and push-back surrender to a Higher Power greater than itself by the one it occupies, you will remain under its control and governance.

This is all so easily disguised and therefore denied until the destruction is far more replete and obvious and stretches beyond the spiritual domain and manifests into the physical domain.  Although, it’s admittedly baffling to witness people still denying its presence even when it’s so thoroughly manifest in the relational and physical domain.

This is a very cunning, formidable, and relentless thing. Dis-ease.  Call it whatever you want or don’t call it anything other than addiction.  It doesn’t matter what you label it or name it.  And if you deny it, all the better, for “it”. 

What I’m experiencing, little by little, is that the more spiritually perceptive, discerning, keen, awake, and surrendered you are; the sooner addiction can be arrested.

I believe that being human, makes you higher risk and more susceptible to addiction, although there are varying degrees of protection and varying degrees of affliction on an individual basis.  Some may disagree because addiction or dependency/withdrawal symptoms can be replicated in lab animals.  While I believe that animals are also spiritual beings, for some reason they are naturally less vulnerable to addiction unless they are being manipulated by people. Naturally they seem less susceptible, and I think it’s because they don’t appear to morally judge themselves or others, and therefore don’t struggle with the human affliction of shame and pride.  Of course, to argue for or against that theory is insignificant. I can’t talk to rats or get into their consciousness. But I digress…

The point is: to win this battle and live in the solution is found in something that is pretty counter-intuitive to human survival.  It’s quite the uncomfortable human paradox. 

The solution is found in surrender. 

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Not to the addiction of course, but to a Power greater than it, and greater than you, whatever you name or call that Power doesn’t matter. I once heard someone refer to this Power as “Not Me“. What matters most is that you can see or even slightly believe, that this Power could truly set you free and do for you what you cannot do for yourself, but which you believe you “should” be able to do. And by all means, if you can do this for yourself and you truly do not need a Higher Power than yourself to do this, then I reckon you are not dealing with addiction. Not everything that’s hard to quit is an addiction, that could merely be a bad habit. There’s a difference.

The way I’m finding it works is this: This Higher Power will not go against my minimally cooperative, ideally enthusiastically given, consent. That is how surrender differs from compliance. Surrender to a Higher Power, not comply. This involves trust and desire, even if it’s very very small at first. It can grow, but you can’t grow something out of nothing. You need something to start with. This is the parable of the mustard seed (see Matthew 13:31-32). This is the solution. It is simple, but not easy. Not at all. But like most things, surrendering becomes easier with practice, one day at a time, and not always in a row.  

With this concept of addiction, it doesn’t matter what the chains are tied to.  It could be to a substance, a behavior, a person, or a belief system.  It’s usually to something impermanent, and what isn’t impermanent?

I’ve also observed that the more abstract in nature that the chains are tied to is, the more disguised its occupancy can be, and often more socially acceptable because it’s simply more common by that very disguisable fact. But do not be deceived.  The proof is in the pudding, and that pudding often is spiritual in nature and in how much or how little you’re surrendered to a Higher Power that gives you freedom and not chains.  Surrendering to addiction as your higher power gives you shame upon shame, or even harder to detect; pride upon pride, until you are leveled with reality.

As human beings, we are vulnerable, meaning we are surrendered beings. We are not the most Powerful beings or forces of nature in the universe or even on earth. It’s hard to remember especially when we’re so far removed from being intimately connected with nature. But the fact remains: there are powers and forces greater than us, so know your place and that surrender is unavoidable.

So, what are you surrendered to, and how is that working out for you?

If you scoff at the idea that you are addicted to anything, consider this before your dismissal: The addiction you might have may be revealed with a confrontation of losing something specific, against your will, that others live without and are OK without it. If you had to give this up and learn to be better off with its absence or at minimum, its non-guaranteed presence in your life, would you be, OK? Just something to consider.

Nonetheless…for all of us it’s good to reflect on and choose your surrender, wisely.

Iguazu Falls – the world’s largest waterfall. from
Posted in Addiction, codependency, personal growth, personal healing, recovery, Recovery, Uncategorized, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment
21 Feb 2022

On Morality & Love

There’s a story of a man named Simeon in the Bible (see Luke 2:25-35) who was described as being “righteous and devout”.

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What does it mean exactly, to be righteous and devout? I’ve got my personal stereotypes and caricatures that portray someone who is “holy”, meaning a bit emotionally cold or stoic, conditionally approachable, not very down-to-earth or relatable, probably intelligent, sophisticated, and rather arrogant. That’s the best description of the image I find that initially emerges into conscious awareness.

Well according to how Jesus answered a teacher of the law, the highest form of morality can be boiled down to love (see Mark 12:29-31). Sequentially and specifically; loving God with your whole inner and integrated being. And then Jesus adds an addendum that seems inseparable to the first command (and that’s much easier to measure) – ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

So, I think it’s safe to presume that being righteous and devout means loving an external, metaphysical, ethereal, abstract Being with YOUR whole internal, metaphysical, ethereal, abstract being – measured by an empirically validated and evidenced way – how you treat “your neighbor” as well as yourself.

It’s so simple that we don’t buy it and we often find ourselves adding on a multitude of “morality measurements” with countless other morality clauses than what Jesus added. Just love your neighbors as yourself, that’s hard enough. And your “neighbor” is something else to contemplate in the story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10, which I won’t go into in this post.

So, the question I’m pondering here is this: How is mental health and development, factored into this command – to love so integratively in a way that it manifests with congruency with other people?

By all appearances and experiences of mine thus far I’m quite sure of this: being loving is not an inborn human trait. Being loving isn’t innately and independently present in human infants. I’ve given birth to and am raising 3 human souls, and I’ve watched them closely.

Now to be clear— being IN NEED of love, at birth and onward is inborn and innate. And when you form a secure attachment and nurture and protect your babies they coo, smile, and affectionately bond with you right back. It’s a beautiful circle of love. But it didn’t begin with the baby first loving me. It started with a baby who needed to be loved and cared for, FIRST.

The nature of the intimate dyad of human caregiving determines (although not exclusively) a great deal in how “loving” a person will eventually be, influenced by how much they themselves felt loved, or more specifically – securely attached.

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“Loving” is not to be confused with merely how “nice”, “polite”, socially acceptable, or virtuous they appear in public. This is about way more than mere etiquette. Rather, it’s far more about how much they’ll be able to enjoy consensual and reciprocal vulnerability, authenticity, and work through the inevitable interpersonal conflicts with a selected few. In other words: healthy interpersonal relationships.

In an ideal world, humans would produce loving human beings – generation after generation. It doesn’t take much to see that we don’t live in an ideal world. Far from it.

So if children grow without enough of this kind of emotional secure attachment created within their earliest and formative interpersonal relationships, how can we expect them to give what they don’t have? For so many who didn’t, are we screwed? No. There is a path of healing and inner recovery. God is sensitively attuned to the broken-hearted, who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Just meditate on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5.

I believe humans are biologically wired to be moral creatures. When we are immoral, we suffer and often find ways to escape or find relief from suffering. To be clear again: We are innately moral creatures which means our biology is wired for thriving when we’re morally strong. And I hope I’ve made it clear enough by now that when I say “moral” I mean we’re biologically created to be loved and loving – this is how we’re morally biologically wired – for love, aka to need to give and receive secure emotional attachments. Possessing a familiarity of attachment styles in both childhood and adulthood is helpful to understanding where I’m coming from. Hopefully if you’re making a living within the mental health field or personal development arena, you’re more than a little familiar with the scientific literature on attachment styles and neurobiology. Hopefully.

I digress. Getting back to morality and love…

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

So, to those who perceive themselves as morally righteous, and therefore loving as described above – What is your detailed and coherent, autobiographical narrative that’s made sense of your adulthood in light of your childhood?

In all transparency, this is somewhat of a trick question. I’ve heard people saying they grew up with love and support from their parents, yet these same people are often times some of the quickest to criticize or judge others and are also some of the most emotionally cold or shallow people I know. To be sure, they are often very “nice”, “polite”, socially acceptable, and fluent in practicing social graces/etiquette. Yet, there seems to be a gaping hole, a sense of wtf-ness that’s hard to explain and even harder to convince them of.

Now of course, I could very well be totally off myself here. But the disjointed feeling I get in this wtf-ness experience is because I hear they consider themselves as lucky for growing up the way they did, and therefore they don’t “morally” struggle much. Yet at the same time, I observe that they find it very difficult, unvaluable, and unnecessary (if they even notice) to be emotionally vulnerable, authentic, and show capacity to work through interpersonal conflicts with their loved ones. It’s a head-scratcher for me.

This is the best I can come up with to try and explain the dissonance between morality and love, profoundly the kind of love from God, that pours out interpersonally. Unless you experience it yourself with God, it’s hard to explain to others.

There was a woman who was described in Luke 7:37 as “a woman in that town who lived a sinful life”. She wept on Jesus’ feet (portrays her as probably crawling on the floor in approaching and being next to Jesus) kissed his feet, then wiped his feet with her hair, and poured perfume from an alabaster jar.

To be loved and to love.

I think she gets it.

Intuitively.

Without explanation.

Her story might help shed light on this gaping hole for those who need an explanation. Jesus saw that Simon the Pharisee didn’t get it either.

“Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

Luke 7:44-47

How well you understand the love of God for yourself has much to do with how much you’ve experienced forgiveness from God. And if in your own self-estimation, you don’t have much to be forgiven for, you’ll find it hard to love others who do.

It boils down to compassion. If you don’t have much need for compassion from others, you won’t feel much compassion for others either.

If you’ve never felt much need for love from others, you likely won’t feel much love for others.

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Posted in Christianity, emotional health, mental health, morality, personal growth, personal healing, recovery, Recovery, spirituality, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
01 Dec 2020
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An Open Letter to the 12-Step Literature Approvers…

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I’m trying to work through the 12-Steps and keep bumping up against what appears as dogma with the Disease Model of addiction. I’m reading Al-Anon approved literature as well as material written by other addiction experts like Gabor Mate and Jamie Marich and am feeling more and more disjointed.

I’ve been personally impacted by a loved one’s addiction and have entered into recovery myself. In 12-Step recovery I’ve been urged to study alcoholism and the disease of addiction. I’ve been studying this subject for years as I’ve been in relationships with people who’ve either been addicted themselves or been impacted by a loved one’s addiction, or both actually. I’m finding myself feeling confused and disjointed, unless I strictly read Al-Anon approved literature! I’m trying to integrate 12-Step approved literature with non-approved addiction literature and am forming my own understanding with as honest and open-minded of an attitude that the Al-Anon program promotes, probably mixed with some of my own defects of character, in process too.

This is my take on addiction thus far coming from someone who finds this subject matter so relevant to her personal life. It’s become an area of passion and vested interest due to my family relationships being touched by addiction. Although I’m not an addiction professional, I represent a voice that’s been deeply impacted by this subject. I’m forming my understanding from a conglomerate of reading from addiction professionals inside and outside of the 12-Step model. It also comes from my lived-experience of going through a loved-one’s relapse into hell. So for whatever it’s worth, I offer my personal reflections from this vantage point. I’m still making sense of my own lived-experience as well as studying the topic of addiction from a variety of sources as I work through the 12-Steps. In other words it’s still slowly brewing, like me. If this benefits someone who has or is going through their own experience of this, I’m grateful.

So without further ado this is my evolving summation on a very complex subject that touches millions of lives every day.

To the Unnamed 12-Step Literature Approvers


I’ve read addiction and codependency literature, outside of your approval. And this is what I’d like to share as a newcomer member of Al-Anon, who also feels deep gratitude for the service of Al-Anon Fellowship. What have we learned about addiction since the 1930’s when A.A. first formed? That it’s complex. And a coherent narrative of addiction in layman’s terms could be that it’s not merely a chronic disease. Consider this narrative that’s backed by addiction and trauma research, and please integrate your approval for literature that offers more. Perhaps something along the lines of this…

Addiction manifests in its burgeoning stage as an unconscious adaptive survival trait in the presence of feeling overwhelming distress, coupled with the absence of a close and secure relationship to an attachment figure like Mom, Dad, or another caregiver.

Notice the Theme, it’s a Duet: Presence + Absence

A presence of Distressing Emotional Experience (based in past and/or present) PLUS an Absence of a Safe enough or secure relationship.

These overwhelming feelings may not even register on the level of conscious awareness until it over-reaches maximum capacity. Until then, the response to overwhelm is constructing and maintaining a thick wall of emotional armor. Any unprocessed feelings from the past accumulate while current feelings which bare any striking resemblance to the past also gets heaped onto the pile. This occurs all while the Absence part of the equation remains – Absence of a Safe Enough or Secure Relationship.

The Absence is a void. A hole consisting of profound disconnection and isolation. A substance or “filler” which acts as a substitute, is reached for in an attempt to fill that void. The momentary relief from pain, and fleeting sensations of pleasure string you along while making increasing demands that you sacrifice more to get more. The constant pursuit and chasing the carrot-on-a-stick can never deliver what you’re pursuing. Freedom from suffering. As this phenomenon takes root like a seemingly innocuous weed, the human’s soul becomes a host for a parasitic-type entity of whatever addictive filler hooks you.

12-Step Fellowships offer a beautiful solution to the Absence part of the equation. The absence of intimate connection which is a fundamental, hardwired, basic human need – creates a void. Filling that void with non-human substances is often a way to cope and while enabling dependency on emotional vulnerability armor. The core issue is an aversion to emotional vulnerability within relationships. When a substance or sabotaging behavior mitigates this aversion despite negative consequences and disturbances in other areas of life, you’ve got the active mechanism of addiction at hand.

So why do relapses occur even after dramatic changes in lifestyle going from using or drinking, to being clean and sober, occur? Well, the other part of the equation needs to be looked at, the presence of distressing experiences especially pertaining to the past which haven’t been processed and integrated.

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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The etiology of addiction is hotly debated among experts, addicts themselves, and those who love them. What came first, the chicken or the egg? The addiction or the unresolved trauma? They both feed off one another, so does it really matter? Not in order to reduce harm and initially get clean and sober. But to stay clean and sober, heal from the aftermath, and truly make living amends – I believe this is relevant.

It’s my developing opinion based from what I’ve learned from various schools of thought and my own experience, that unresolved childhood trauma provides fertile soil for addiction to take root. Along with family history, social conditioning, lifestyle habits, and genetic factors. I don’t hold to the belief that addiction is merely a disease. This belief is antiquated now that so much multidisciplinary scientific inquiry and findings regarding addiction and the plight of human suffering, have been shared.

The strictly disease-based model that posits addiction and/or alcoholism as a disease, is sometimes a helpful simplification for such a complex phenomenon like addiction. Yet further down the road of recovery after encountering relapse, it’s a harmful over-simplification which can create a false sense of security. I believe it inadvertently creates barriers to healing the roots of addiction when these roots prove to be deeper than what first appeared. The disease-model of addiction can inadvertently bypass critical trauma recovery, which can weaken relapse prevention.

Growing up in family subcultures which are reinforced outside the home by the broader culture, enabling self-ignorance, self-neglect, and/or self-abuse in response to distress – creates ripe conditions for addiction. And relapse. An innocent ignorance or a blatant indifference towards healing trauma in response to addiction recovery, furtively enables the practice of emotional self-neglect which often leads to physical self-abuse/harm through drug/alcohol abuse. When this is tacitly considered “normal” within recovery programs, you’ll find that necessary, deeper recovery is stilted, versus the addiction.

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I realize my take on addiction and its development doesn’t exclude many people, including myself. Addiction development is quite inclusive and many will be counted as vulnerable towards investing in its empty promises when you have a permissive culture of enabling trauma denial.

Addiction is a very human struggle. It accounts for the struggle of being human in dehumanizing cultures and environments. In my opinion, relegating it as strictly a “disease” seems ignorant. Much has been learned about the nature of addiction and I wish recovery programs would honor this progress. It would help those suffering from addiction and those who love them.

Spiritual principles make room for progression, because you keep an honest and open minded attitude. How can the spirit of 12-Step fellowship principles include the latest findings of addiction without losing it’s unity?Is there room for a different ideology beyond addiction and alcoholism as a disease? Well, even if dogma doesn’t make room for it, my own understanding of the 12-Step spiritual principles, do.

This goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway – these ideas are a representation of my own evolving perspective. Take what serves you, leave the rest.

And with that, I pass. Thank you for reading.

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Posted in Addiction, emotional health, mental health, personal growth, personal healing, Recovery, Uncategorized and tagged , , ,
25 Sep 2014

my emerging scattered story

Broken-Mirror-collage-wall-art_thumbI’m in the process of picking up the scattered pieces of my life and trying to make sense out of it, out of me.  Integration.  Cohesiveness.  Wholeness.  In short: Who the fuck am I?  I want to move forward, not backwards.  I seek progression, not regression.  Yet I’m finding an integral part of my goals to moving forward comes with revisiting my past, however many times I need to for resolution.  Each revisit to the past will open up something that’s needed.

In going back to revisit my past, I realize that it feels like I’ve lived several different lives.

My Korean life was the first part of my 11 months of living.  Then after being adopted and coming to the United States at 11 months, I had no place to put that self other than to bury it deeply into an unconscious state.  That was my first “life” that was abruptly ended, without my choosing.  I cut that part away from me.  It was necessary for survival.  That’s survival 101 post-preverbal trauma in a nutshell.  It was obviously not a conscious decision, it happened on its own.  Survival for kids tends to take on a life of its own, without needing conscious permission from anyone.

I entered school as a minority, being raised by White parents.  That in and of itself should explain a lot of things.  If not, try imagining yourself (or your young child if you’re a parent) moving to a foreign country as a child, being raised by adults of a different race and you having a visibly drastic different look than the those who you depend on for survival and are surrounded by everywhere you go.  You’re a kid, you can’t escape it, not even in your own home.

In my adolescence, survival required that I find out who to be so I could fit in.  Seeking social acceptance amongst peers without a foundation of an integrated sense of self in place does things to kids.  Of course the kid wouldn’t know it, few adults seem to grasp it, even though it’s developmentally logical and makes perfect sense if you’re not looking at troubled kids through a lens of disdain through projection based on one’s own fragmented self.  Some adults don’t have that because it was brainwashed out of them through social conditioning towards conformity in their own lives.  Adulthood tends to do this if adults don’t fight the necessary battle to live consciously and authentically.  I have struggled with this pull myself.  It’s a human struggle.

One of my survival tactics when I was an adolescent was to dump all of my White friends and replace them exclusively with Asian friends.  If any of you are reading this now, I am sorry.  It was my attempt at an integrated self, while also trying to survive without a foundation of a coherent self yet.

Adoption has many complexities, and transracial adoption adds even more.  There are many beautiful aspects to adoption.  A child who lost her family and home is given one.  That in and of itself is beautiful.  But let’s not forget or pretend that there would not be an adoption without a traumatic loss preceding it.  Even with all the beautiful parts of adoption ensuing, they will never erase what took place which necessitated the adoption.  Loss.  Loss of what many people take for granted who perhaps were not adopted: family origins, family medical history, a birth mom, a birth father; all vital parts of what forms a human’s identity.  Lost.

Me revisiting parts of the past that I can remember is something I need to do, for me.  There are questions I have that will most likely never be answered.  Never.  That is part of the lost territory that comes with adoption.  I’ve accepted that.  I haven’t had much of a choice to do otherwise and I cannot afford to obsess or rearrange my life around trying to get those answers while abandoning the life I have built for myself in the present tense.  I have my own family now.  But I’m finding that the questions I do have that could be answered by the people I do have access to in my life today, need to be asked.  They may not get answered though, I can’t control that part.

When I was in high school, I hung out with other Koreans, dated an international student from Korea.  It was not a healthy relationship.  How could it be?  I was searching for something I didn’t even know I was searching for, my intangible elusive identity which when looking back, seems like it was playing hide-n-seek with me.  I was an adolescent to boot, of course I was searching for my identity in that relationship.  It was the perfect storm for unconscious longings/losses to arise and resolve.  It makes perfect sense to me.  At least now it does.

When I was in college, I felt myself distancing from my Korean/Asian friends after no longer sharing the bond of drunkenness together.  If any of you are reading this now, I am sorry.  After getting wasted and facing charges of a DWI even though I was honestly innocent, I got just enough conscious awareness to at least wake-up and realize “this is not the life I want, this is not who I want to try to be anymore”.  My search for who I really am, my real self, continued.  So, I joined the church.  I reasoned that even though I was an Asian-American, I was raised by White parents within a predominantly White culture within the church.  I reasoned, why not try to embrace that part of me?  My inner-White girl emerged.

When I joined the church as an active participant and embraced my “believer status” it had several effects on different parts of my life.  In looking back I did not find those experiences to be very integration friendly, at least not beyond theory.  I would not have known any better though, it was my familiar dance…just another version of what I’d lived through before–shoving parts of myself away in order to fit in with an external system.  This period of time in my life formed much of my adult belief system.  I was in my early-mid 20’s, and that is developmentally normal around that age, for anyone.

At this point, I was starting to become a little more sloppy at burying my former identities.  I got so good at survival out of necessity and habit, but it was starting to catch up to me, and yet I continued to do what I felt I needed to do in order to survive within the church social system — to not be condemned (survive).  I became an avid student of the Bible.  I could talk Bible.  I could debate Bible.  I could make myself survive.  I will not deny that a certain part of me was able to emerge and I liked her, I sharpened my intellect through becoming an amatuer feminist theologian, and am damn proud of it.  But, that part of me was still isolated from the other parts.  It became a good way to bury the former parts of me and resurrect ONLY the new “Christian” me, at least I subconsciously reasoned.

I did meet god, in a real, transcendent, and profound way during those years.  Even though I had fragmented identifies all over the place that I wasn’t even remotely aware of, he showed up and came to me.  Yet there were so many divisions between the scattered parts of my own self, it became harder to know which parts of “me” I consciously “allowed” god to meet.

And now present tense, me and god are introducing all parts of my life to one another.  I’m re-introducing parts of my own self to other parts of my own self, and emerging more whole, more integrated, more authentic, one step at a time.  god has always seen all of me, all my parts, the parts I like and take pride in, and the parts I don’t like and wish I could make them go away.  The way I see god and my own unique spirituality is slowly but surely emerging, and it is mine.  I’m learning to not outsource my spirituality while invalidating my own inner wisdom.  It’s my spirituality, it’s my walk with god, not the institutional church’s or an external authority figure’s, I’m taking that back.

Survival is no longer cutting it for me.  I want to be free, I want to live fully.  Therefore, I can no longer hold to the rigid belief system I once had without having doubts.  That was a good way of hiding, of surviving, yet I’m no longer wanting to hide parts of me anymore and only survive, as tempting as that sometimes is just so I can temporarily feel accepted in the moment.  It’s bullshit.  The cost is no longer worth it to me.  I am reconstituting as I integrate within my own self, and I believe this is my lifelong pursuit, my lifelong journey, which includes somehow sharing that with those who get it because they value this for themselves too.

I feel like my soul is coming alive and I will not invalidate it.  It is messy.  It is painful.  But I am worth it and I would not have it any other way.  As you can see, I’ve been there, done that and have found it doesn’t work for me.

This is my emerging story.  What’s yours?

My life is to be continued….

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26 Jul 2014

Self Check-In

synchronicity-2Whenever I’ve been unclear and ambivalent about how to proceed in any given situation, especially relationally, I’ve often gone outward to seek guidance.  It has proven to be useful and beneficial, but it can also keep me dependent on external sources of wisdom while stunting my own development of discernment.

I’ve been confused about where to go for guidance when facing a crossroads.  Do I go inside myself because I know myself best, or do I seek wisdom and guidance from others because they have a more objective perspective?  I’ve often thought it was an either/or approach, yet I’m realizing I don’t have just one “right” option.  Wisdom and discernment often come through BOTH avenues; inside and outside of myself, from trusting myself AND trusting others who’ve earned my trust.  Wisdom can be imported from external sources, or it can be imported from my own internal sources of wisdom within.  god as I understand it is the source of all wisdom, and discerning Hhs voice is what I am after.  He does speak to me from within, for he dwells within my inner-spirit.  It’s just a matter of unveiling his voice, which is often unconventional.

My current ambition involves the practice of going within myself, first.  Whenever possible, I do a self check-in, using the tools of Dr. Dan Siegel’s acronym of SIFT.

Sensations
Images
Feelings
Thoughts

-SIFT.

If I still feel confused and ambivalent, I have the option of going to others I trust.  They can be friends, a therapist, family members, recovery fellow-travelers, a pastor, books, podcasts, blogs, etc.  These are some of the options I have when trying to discern where God is lovingly guiding me.  When I do seek out external sources of guidance, I am still the one who is ultimately discerning what feedback resonates and what does not.  Using the SIFT tools while receiving feedback is always an option I can take.  They empower me in helping me wake up and make a conscious choice, weighing what is going on inside of me AND the feedback I’ve heard from others.   The process of discernment often involves a conscious and intentional dialogue within me and with trusted others.  It is not a monologue, at least for me.

Ultimately, I am the one who must live with the decisions I make for my own life.  How I discern applying my value-system with its certain expectations, limitations and boundaries will evoke judgement from others and within, always.  But it is my life I am trying to live out, not somebody else’s, so fearing the judgment is a major distraction in gaining discernment.  The truth is, everybody judges everybody, myself included.  So, then what?

Love frees me because it feeds me.  It frees me from fearing the inevitable judgment that is part of living life on earth.  Judgement will come, as surely as gravity pulls me back down to the ground after I jump.  Checking in with myself from a place of love and being fed, in the midst of judgments are what will keep me centered.  Love feeds me, judgment robs me.

Jesus is my Center.  He dwells within me.  He showed me explicitly on the cross how to judge myself aright – as loved, and as worthy to die for.   When I am love-hungry I’m ripe for Jesus’ love to enter in, yet I’m also vulnerable to fearing judgments and internalizing (feeding off) them.  This is what robs me of living life to the fullest extent.  Jesus came to give life, not take it.

“The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance.” -John 10:10

Self check-ins based in love, not fear are the way for me to go.  Interchanging judgment with punishment in the verse below helps me get this, because judgment sure can feel like punishment to me, just as chewing on food that I crave, but not being able to swallow it.

“Love will never invoke fear.  Perfect love expels fear, particularly the fear of punishment.  The one who fears punishment has not been completed through love.”  – 1 John 4:18

 

 

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30 Apr 2014
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Re-purposing Feelings

repurposed bathtub

In recovery, I learn that I am the one who is responsible for my feelings.  This used to sound like bad news, but I’m starting to see it’s not.  On the contrary, it’s empowering and freeing because it detaches the shame which has disabled me from taking responsibility for my feelings because shame freezes me and restricts growth and healing.

Taking ownership of my feelings becomes non-threatening when I can detach blame from it because blame does not fly solo, it has a co-pilot named Shame.  Shame is silent, not violent so is easily undetected, but it’s life-threatening to recovery because it distorts my self-image and my self-image guides my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I believe my true-self is inherently good, per the God of my understanding.  I can say this while also acknowledging the presence of brokenness and loss due to injuries I’ve sustained and inflicted upon others.  I can acknowledge that I am inherently good AND  acknowledge that I am both a giver and receiver of real pain and loss.

Taking up responsibility for my feelings is not tantamount to taking the blame for my feelings.  Articulating this is vital for my own healing and growth from having enmeshed boundaries with others when it comes to feelings.  The enmeshed boundaries stem from enmeshment between blame and responsibility.  When it comes to taking responsibility for my feelings, I first need to remove blame from having the feelings.

Blame entails assigning responsibility for wrong or fault.  Feelings are not on trial, they can be examined without trying to find fault.  Feelings are neutral.  They are neither “right” nor “wrong”.   In my recovery, I learn through practicing with others how to unmask and identify my feelings that are often disguised through anger or judgment due to lack of self-awareness.  The feelings I feel inside get revealed when I do not feel like I am on trial for having the feelings.  When I sense that the validity of my feelings will be put on trial by others, my feelings will put on their masks.  Their favorite masks seem to be rage and judgmentalism to deflect the shame onto others.

My most intense feelings are like emissaries sent on behalf of my subconscious-self (the parts of my inner life that get tucked away from consciousness in order to cope, not to heal).  In holding into the conscious belief (faith) that my true-self is inherently good, I hold onto another belief (through faith) that intentionally envisions my mind, body and spirit working together in their own unique ways to move me towards health, wholeness and harmony, and preserving that state.

For this reason, feelings serve an extremely vital role:  achieving and preserving homeostasis within an environment of motion.

When I do not allow my feelings to serve in that vital role, I will become at high-risk for tolerating and even seeking out interactions with others and myself, where I am mistreated and exploited, often with my cooperation.

Maintaining self-care includes feeling my feelings and paying attention to the messages they bring from deep within.  The messages about my own self-image which my feelings bring to my awareness can be corrected and assessed, but feeling the feelings cannot be bypassed in this process no more than exhaling can be bypassed in order to remove carbon dioxide from within my lungs.

The messages feelings bring are often felt through sensations within my body.  It isn’t just information in the form of words that need to be processed for me to feel my feelings – that is bypassing feeling my feelings and thinking my feelings, it’s skipping over a natural process that needs to take place – feeling my feelings.  That is what my experience is teaching me.  I’m learning when I feel the feelings, I am not needing to only talk or think about the feelings, but to feel them IN MY BODY.

This is a new and welcomed practice to me.  I believe it is divinely inspired, God is healing me up within a loving community of others who are trusting Him with the process for themselves as well.

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15 Apr 2014
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Aloe Vera Transplant

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These photos are symbolic of life…

I got an aloe vera plant, which has potential to produce abundant benefits to others.

On the top page, my new aloe vera plant is well established in the small potting plant which was sufficient to get it started, but it is now constraining the plant and cannot allow it to keep growing. If it is not moved to a larger pot, its roots cannot spread out, it will stop growing at best, and at worse die.  This isn’t because its a defective plant, or a defective pot – rather its an ineffective combination given the limits and needs of each other, and their intended purposes.

I need to transfer the aloe vera plant into a larger pot to support its growth so it can be more beneficial to me and others.  The plant must be regularly well cared for, but even if its well watered and kept in sufficient sunlight, it needs to be rooted in an environment that is conducive to its own natural process of growth.

Be kind to your roots, even though the roots are invisible and remain under dirt, they are everything to the plant.

Where can you find a parallel to this in your own life?

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10 Apr 2014

Gonna Hear Me Roar

kitty gonna roar

To anyone who wants to listen, listen up…

I am currently listening to blasting  Roar by Katy Perry.

This is so therapeutic for me.

First, I gotta address the haters in my head….the constant critics..

They say, “Why are you blogging as if you’re writing in a private journal entry, but in public?  Don’t air your dirty laundry out in public.  Do it in private, please.”

My response:  I gotta take a shit.

If you’ve been holding in your bowels for years on end and you’re about to burst, you just do it.  My figurative bowels consist of conforming (out of fear) to the majority within my closest psycho-social environment, while constipating anything that poses a possible threat to this goal of conformity, even when it is within my own head.

I’m welcoming a developing condition of enmity to conformity within my psycho-social environments and I need to do it loud and proud.  If not, I am at risk of shrinking back to my previously conditioned default of fear-driven conformity, which is extremely likely the stem of many of my past “mental/mood disorders” and even physical ailments, such as my over-a-decade battle against the voice disorder, MTD (Muscle Tension Dysphonia).

Therefore – an essential part of my own recovery is being out LOUD about it.  Privacy and secrecy are all fine and dandy and serve their legitimate purposes and I will confine myself to those purposes when I determine they serve my recovery best, but I believe they can also be overrated when it comes to healing from shame and fear.

My hope is that me finding my true voice and authentic-self – out LOUD, and lovingly wooing her out of the darkness of shame and fear will provide inspiration, hope and permission for others to embark on the same courageous life-long journey in their own territory.  It’s an uphill battle, and I cannot do it alone, but I alone have got to take the steps to do this.

Peace.

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08 Apr 2014

Relational Allergies

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When it comes to choosing people to walk closely with in life, I’m discovering I have an aversion to people of any color, shape and size who scapegoat people who are seeking sanity through becoming self-aware and therefore healing in the process.

I am currently experiencing an allergic reaction to people who continue to chose to be unaware of their true-authentic selves.  Not to imperfect people, but to people who are perfectly content with inauthenticity.  Perhaps I will gain an elevated tolerance level for these allergy triggers in time.  But for now, it looks like allergy season is in full effect and I’m discovering what types of personalities I am allergic to in this current season of my own life.

It is essential for me to identify what types of people/relationships I am allergic to.  I will then be able to tailor my daily dose of welcoming people, places and things into my life accordingly.  Only identifying the individual allergens isn’t enough, just as working in a barn when I’ve learned I have hay fever isn’t fitting.  I can expand my recovery-plan to include environments.  Identifying environments that incubate dependencies on my allergy triggers’ environments will serve me well.

I cannot completely avoid interacting with all environments that house my allergic triggers without robbing myself of benefits also, but I can confine my interactions within these environments to be as minimal as possible.  God, give me wisdom to know the difference.

Big picture.  Small Picture.  One Picture.

 

 

 

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08 Apr 2014

Trust: Who, not how

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I am learning WHO to trust.  Not HOW to trust, but WHO.

It can be deceiving.

Just because someone holds a trustworthy position like mother, father, spouse, pastor, therapist or teacher – does not equate the person as being trustWORTHY.  I am learning this the hard way.

I have no trouble with trusting others.  I am a very trusting person when it comes to others, too trusting.  The trouble I’m experiencing is not how to trust, but who to trust. My recovery makes it clear that this theme is central for me to articulate, first to myself then to others.

 

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