mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the tag “conscious awareness”

What Do You See In What You See?

Right now, I find myself having front row seats to a loved one’s pain and suffering while withdrawing from meth. This is hard to watch, but it is actually a necessary part of the process towards freedom. I am seeing so much more than just meth withdrawal symptoms. When you have spiritual eyes, you see what you see…and so much more. These are my current reflections while witnessing this very difficult process.

A drug withdrawal is so graphic and symbolic of spiritual truths that are relevant to all who have eyes to see. When we cling to powerful illusions of provision; of goodness, joy, comfort, control/power/security, and peace, that quickly handcuff us to these temporary sources at the expense of our souls and bodies…we are more vulnerable and fragile than ever. Why? Because these provisions provide something we crave, but are so extremely temporary and fleeting.

FREEDOM. ESCAPE.

A TASTE FOR SOMETHING MORE…

An artificial imitation of a spiritual experience or awakening will provide an illusion of freedom from this world’s pain and suffering, making us greatly dependent on sacrificing more while enslavement to the source makes it feel intolerable to be away from it. Whether it’s meth, alcohol, shopping, sex, career promotions, romance, financial assets, reputation, health, relationships, material possessions, prestige, or caretaking people who don’t take enough care of themselves (aheeem), etc. it will all some day come to an end and come crashing down. We all know this. What watching a loved one’s meth withdrawal does for me is illuminate how clingy and sacrificial the human soul is, in a far more obvious way. What we cling to we sacrifice for, we’re tied to it. This is not good or bad, just is. We are made to sacrifice for something in life, this is your Higher Power. What do you and I make sacrifices for? Get clear on that. Is it a loving source that provides freedom and an ability to let go of the temporal, or does it provide mere handcuffs to it?

Everything in this life is TEMPORARY. Everything. The pleasant and the unpleasant. Our soul craves a resting place from the vicissitudes of life. This is the essence of a healthy and vibrant spiritual life to me. Yet, I have to be able to acknowledge paradox. A holding space for contradictions. If I try to hold onto pleasant experiences or things in this world that are so extremely fragile, fleeting, and precarious (some more than others), my soul and body will cling to these sources and make sacrifices for them. The paradox is that I am in a body that is physical matter, stationed in a material world, but my soul is made from something immaterial. Spiritual. So my human experience is both physical and spiritual, it involves both the physical here and now, and beyond it. I am a human being with a body that is fully inhabiting this earth, which also contains a soul that I believe and feel was made from and for reaching towards, craving, longing for something beyond this world’s matter and material. Call this something whatever feels right for you. Some call it God, the Universe, and some don’t call it anything because it’s unnamable, it’s ineffable. It’s mysterious but real. Paradox.

When I live in either-or space, I am living in an illusion. If I acknowledge only the physical material/matter realm OR only the non-material/spiritual realm, I will suffer from delusion. It is a paradox. It’s both/and, not either/or. A holding space for seeming contradictions or opposites is what spiritual meditation, contemplation, prayer, or whatever you call it, is for me. I’m in a human body, that also contain a spiritual soul. I need connection to both the material and the spiritual. I need to nurture and protect both realms. When there is such an extreme imbalance, I suffer greatly.

Mind your body and the physical matter but not at the expense of being unaware of your soul and the spiritual. Remember that the physical is real but it is temporary. All of it. Be mindful that what you cling to you sacrifice for, and we are all made to cling and sacrifice for something, and this clinging and sacrificing can easily shift when we aren’t aware. It isn’t static or stationary. This is why having a regular spiritual practice of meditation is so important: to stay awake. That is spirituality. Awareness of reality. What is your and my soul clinging to these days, and what am I making sacrificing for in this clinging? There is no shame in clinging, it’s human, the danger for me comes with blindness to what I’m clinging to, even though it’s so common and “normal”. This is the gift of pain and suffering, to use it to end it by waking up.

In this moment, stay conscious. Stay awake. Stay aware. That is where your true power and freedom hides in plan sight – your awareness to it.

Raising Your Uncomfortable Truth-Telling Tolerance Level

An extremely worthwhile practice that will gradually give yourself invaluable inner strength and beauty, is simply increasing your tolerance level for uncomfortable truths.

This practice benefits countless areas of our lives. When our tolerance level for uncomfortable truths grows, the energy invested in avoidance, suppression, or denial is diminished and therefore becomes available in much more life-giving ways. For starters, you’ll have a lot more energy freed up to be present and consciously aware, and to heal and develop further on so many levels. That’s powerful.

There’s a lot of attention and talk lately on “raising” or “expanding your level of consciousness” or “raising your vibration”. But how do you do this when you have a low tolerance level for uncomfortable truths and a high tolerance level for bullshit, because it’s less immediately uncomfortable? You really can’t. Sorry, but that’s an uncomfortable truth I’ve bumped into. Consistently.

Just as with people who want to build their physical strength or become more flexible might go to a gym, dedicate time to workout, or stretch tight muscles each day; the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable truths takes some practice and intention as well. You go about it in similar ways as building physical capacity — you stretch your comfort zone on purpose, little by little, over time.

If you’d like to become more physically flexible you start where you’re at, inside your comfort zone, and you stretch beyond that until you’re mildly uncomfortable. Eventually you will experience that you can handle this. Self-trust develops. Your confidence grows, little by little and after awhile you’ll be able to stretch beyond your comfort zone until you’re moderately (not extremely or severely) uncomfortable.

You’ll be able to soon take pride and joy in these little incremental shifts in the direction you want to be headed towards. In other words: progress. Your progress.

If you were to physically push yourself too hard, it would likely backfire. You could injure yourself and need to stop and recover. It happens. Know your limits and respect them. This is similar to the non-physical capacities.

I want to become more flexible and resilient when it comes to uncomfortable feelings that are associated with uncomfortable truths. Why? Because I don’t want to compromise on integrity and honesty just to avoid immediate discomfort. I’ve done this and experienced results that are less than grand, let’s just say that. This unconscious habit I had developed way more pain than to tell myself the uncomfortable truth, it was just delayed pain. But it always came, just as you can’t throw things up in the air and expect them not to drop.

This is where self-deception breeds – avoidance of uncomfortable truths. It appears as a way to “protect” myself and “preserve” my comfort level, but in reality it comes at a high expense later, and often to others I care a great deal about. It hurts. Unless you’re so numbed out, you’ll be hurting later. And News Flash: Numbing out always ends. Reality has a way of being real, and is pretty patient.

What is the way through this? It isn’t to avoid truths that are uncomfortable! It’s to raise the tolerance level of discomfort by raising the level of self-trust. Trusting that I can befriend uncomfortable truths. I don’t need to turn away from them. That actually colludes with the notion that I cannot be trusted with uncomfortable truths. I can, but I just need time and intention to build this capacity, just like everyone else. This is time and effort well spent. There will be a better return on this than on denial and bullshit.

One way I’ve found most helpful is to utilize writing or typing in a journal (or a blog!) because I’ve found writing to be incredibly resourceful for me. If you’ve tried writing (like for real, tried) and it just isn’t your thing, find what IS your thing. Maybe looking into a mirror or just talking out loud in the safety and privacy of your own presence, while recording it and playing it back helps. Just make sure it’s kept in a safe space where you get to decide who and where it’s shared or not shared.

Ask yourself if there is anything you’d like to say that you’re afraid of saying (or writing) out loud or out in the open, just with yourself. It could be as simple as “I hate my aunt JoJo’s pies that I say I love” or “I think I have a problem with ________”. The point right now isn’t to do anything other than just practice telling yourself uncomfortable truths. Sometimes taking premature or impulsive action to “fix” or “improve” a problem (perceived or actual) can inadvertently be a slick escape route. It could be an indirect way to avoid being with an uncomfortable truth.

So, for now you don’t need to fix any problems or take any actions other than just telling yourself this truth. That is big enough. Of course if you find wisdom perking up, take it and converse with it. But if you don’t, that’s not an indication you’re not doing this “right”. Re-read the title of this post: “Raising Your Uncomfortable Truth-Telling Tolerance Level”. That’s it for now.

While you do this, consider affirming how proud you are to be admitting this difficult and uncomfortable truth out loud. For me, this often encourages me to trust myself more. To trust that even if this uncomfortable truth doesn’t shift, my fear or angst around it does. The fear starts to loosen. I experience accepting myself more and more because I am being REAL with myself, and that is tapping into my own power.

You may notice harsh self-judgments, that you don’t like yourself and you have a strong opinion about your opinion. There’s a reason why you’ve avoided this – herein lies the discomfort. Right here.

You are facing it.

Breath slowly and embody your body as you do this.

You are engaging your courage in a way that might be very new to you. Take it as slow as you need. Recruit others you trust for support, that has been immensely helpful for me, including having a trauma-informed therapist.

Affirm that you value being honest especially when it’s hard and therefore you value this practice. This uncomfortable truth might not even feel the same or as true or powerful for you tomorrow, or in an hour. This is the mysterious and powerful nature of bringing things into the light. Into conscious awareness. The hold that avoidance and denial have weakens and your perceptions and experiences may shift and start transform or even shed.

Avoidance of uncomfortable truths demands a lot of energy. A lot. This energy could otherwise be used for say, your immune system or other life-supporting endeavors. Once you put your energy into turning on the lights on whatever you’re truth-telling, I’m telling you…that energy or life may take flight or change. As in what you’re feeling and thinking might not seems as intense or strong, and/or you may gain more clarity.

Denial can be like an energy vampire. Truth-telling can be like a powerful shield from this vampire. From bullshit. Of course I’m speaking metaphorically here but it’s to make the point that truth-telling is a powerful way of taking back your power that was sucked into avoiding uncomfortable truths.

You may discover or uncover pearls of wisdom and insight while practicing this. Or you may just expand your own tolerance level and build more capacity for uncomfortable truths. This in and of itself adds to a felt-sense of being, that feels stronger and safer versus taking away from it in order to maintain “comfort” that does not serve you because it’s an act of self-betrayal when we self-deceive.

I should clarify, when I use the word “truths” I’m referring more to subjective truths, not objective truths, although it may include that too.

What is your perspective, your experience, opinion, or feeling? Name these. Own these so they don’t own and control you. They are often more flexible and less rigid when they are accepted and integrated into our conscious awareness. It’s when we cannot tolerate uncomfortable admissions of truth or self-honesty, that we will attempt to hide from our very own experiences, feelings, thoughts, and parts of ourselves (as if you really can; hence self-deception).

This creates fragmentation. A disconnection within.

Not anymore.

You can have your own back. You don’t have to turn your back on yourself when you trust yourself more.

This is empowering.

Integrate these uncomfortable truths little by little, and you will be owning more and more of yourself by BECOMING more connected within yourself, and interpersonally with others.

It’s hard to know how to resolve issues or conflicts with ourselves or others when we are disconnected and fragmented by denial within. Often, numbing out with distractions or chemicals is utilized, only to reinforce that we shall not be trusted with our uncomfortable truths. Bullshit. You can raise your tolerance level, with practice and patience.

You really can build this inner well of deep self-trust, this inner sense of power by raising the tolerance level for uncomfortable truth-telling.

Be gentle as you go. You can live in integrity and honesty as an integrating being, and enjoy the benefits from the inside out. You were made to enjoy this way of being fully alive.

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