mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the tag “Addiction”

18 Feb 2023

What Do You See In What You See?

from

Right now, I find myself having front row seats to a loved one’s pain and suffering while withdrawing from meth. This is hard to watch, but it is actually a necessary part of the process towards freedom. I am seeing so much more than just meth withdrawal symptoms. When you have spiritual eyes, you see what you see…and so much more. These are my current reflections while witnessing this very difficult process.

A drug withdrawal is so graphic and symbolic of spiritual truths that are relevant to all who have eyes to see. When we cling to powerful illusions of provision; of goodness, joy, comfort, control/power/security, and peace, that quickly handcuff us to these temporary sources at the expense of our souls and bodies…we are more vulnerable and fragile than ever. Why? Because these provisions provide something we crave, but are so extremely temporary and fleeting.

FREEDOM. ESCAPE.

A TASTE FOR SOMETHING MORE…

An artificial imitation of a spiritual experience or awakening will provide an illusion of freedom from this world’s pain and suffering, making us greatly dependent on sacrificing more while enslavement to the source makes it feel intolerable to be away from it. Whether it’s meth, alcohol, shopping, sex, career promotions, romance, financial assets, reputation, health, relationships, material possessions, prestige, or caretaking people who don’t take enough care of themselves (aheeem), etc. it will all some day come to an end and come crashing down. We all know this. What watching a loved one’s meth withdrawal does for me is illuminate how clingy and sacrificial the human soul is, in a far more obvious way. What we cling to we sacrifice for, we’re tied to it. This is not good or bad, just is. We are made to sacrifice for something in life, this is your Higher Power. What do you and I make sacrifices for? Get clear on that. Is it a loving source that provides freedom and an ability to let go of the temporal, or does it provide mere handcuffs to it?

Everything in this life is TEMPORARY. Everything. The pleasant and the unpleasant. Our soul craves a resting place from the vicissitudes of life. This is the essence of a healthy and vibrant spiritual life to me. Yet, I have to be able to acknowledge paradox. A holding space for contradictions. If I try to hold onto pleasant experiences or things in this world that are so extremely fragile, fleeting, and precarious (some more than others), my soul and body will cling to these sources and make sacrifices for them. The paradox is that I am in a body that is physical matter, stationed in a material world, but my soul is made from something immaterial. Spiritual. So my human experience is both physical and spiritual, it involves both the physical here and now, and beyond it. I am a human being with a body that is fully inhabiting this earth, which also contains a soul that I believe and feel was made from and for reaching towards, craving, longing for something beyond this world’s matter and material. Call this something whatever feels right for you. Some call it God, the Universe, and some don’t call it anything because it’s unnamable, it’s ineffable. It’s mysterious but real. Paradox.

When I live in either-or space, I am living in an illusion. If I acknowledge only the physical material/matter realm OR only the non-material/spiritual realm, I will suffer from delusion. It is a paradox. It’s both/and, not either/or. A holding space for seeming contradictions or opposites is what spiritual meditation, contemplation, prayer, or whatever you call it, is for me. I’m in a human body, that also contain a spiritual soul. I need connection to both the material and the spiritual. I need to nurture and protect both realms. When there is such an extreme imbalance, I suffer greatly.

Mind your body and the physical matter but not at the expense of being unaware of your soul and the spiritual. Remember that the physical is real but it is temporary. All of it. Be mindful that what you cling to you sacrifice for, and we are all made to cling and sacrifice for something, and this clinging and sacrificing can easily shift when we aren’t aware. It isn’t static or stationary. This is why having a regular spiritual practice of meditation is so important: to stay awake. That is spirituality. Awareness of reality. What is your and my soul clinging to these days, and what am I making sacrificing for in this clinging? There is no shame in clinging, it’s human, the danger for me comes with blindness to what I’m clinging to, even though it’s so common and “normal”. This is the gift of pain and suffering, to use it to end it by waking up.

In this moment, stay conscious. Stay awake. Stay aware. That is where your true power and freedom hides in plan sight – your awareness to it.

from

Posted in mental health, personal growth, spirituality, Uncategorized, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
26 Sep 2022

On Addiction

from

There are many ideas and images we hold in our minds when it comes to addiction.  Some of them are more Hollywood, simple, and basic and some are more comprehensive and complex.  There are a lot of caricatures of “addicts” that portray a very negative and misleading idea on what addiction is and isn’t. Very seldom do those caricatures do any justice to what addiction entails. So sometimes a deeper dive into the mysterious nature of addiction is helpful. That’s what I’m doing in this post.

Even though addiction seems to be a hotly debated topic, most people would agree that it’s a formidable force that’s cunning and shrewd.  And in its wake; kills, steals, and destroys one’s quality of life, relationships, and even one’s very own sense of Selfhood. This is often done in secrecy and isolation, until it cannot be contained there any longer. This can often be an invitation out of hell, albeit an abrupt and harsh one, that can at first feel like total defeat. 

I’ve found that most people don’t want to be labeled by another as an addict. That’s tantamount to name-calling. If they identify themselves as an addict, that’s different. And sometimes identifying what addiction is, who has it and who doesn’t, can be chanted to a sneering beat of: “I know you are, but what am I”.

from

I believe that addiction is fundamentally a spiritual condition of disconnection; from one’s very own self, others, and to the ever-increasing uneasy parts of reality we would rather just make disappear.  Its symptoms are deception (first to self, then others), discord, and disruption from receiving life-giving force or energy.  This is why I believe addiction is fundamentally spiritual in nature: it’s initially invisible to merely physical metrics but will manifest its occupancy in the physical domain in only a matter of time.  Just wait.  Once it’s successfully enticed you and occupies your mind, body, and soul it won’t just stop there.  It’s far too ravenous.  Addiction is characterized by a spiritual energy which has an unsatiable hunger that doesn’t discriminate. It’s often been said that addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. 

from

Addiction is far more inclusive than any of the most inclusive anti-bigot activists out there.  Truly, all are welcome. It doesn’t give a shit about how smart, stupid, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, conservative, liberal, socially privileged, marginalized, religious, non-religious, gay, straight, one gendered or non-binary gendered, physically or mentally abled, disabled, single, divorced, married, remarried, polyamorous, vaccinated, non-vaccinated, Black, White, Yellow, Red, Brown, Multi-racial, Bi-racial, young, or old, etc. etc. etc., you are.  If you’re alive, it will accept you with open arms.  It will take you in and devotedly take you down and not only that, but it will want to take down your loved ones as well.  The more you love them and the more they love you, the more it will want their mind, body, and soul too.  Addiction is a family contagion because family is often whom you love and care about the most.

And, when addiction has fraternized and colonized your mind, body, and soul without a good enough fight and push-back surrender to a Higher Power greater than itself by the one it occupies, you will remain under its control and governance.

This is all so easily disguised and therefore denied until the destruction is far more replete and obvious and stretches beyond the spiritual domain and manifests into the physical domain.  Although, it’s admittedly baffling to witness people still denying its presence even when it’s so thoroughly manifest in the relational and physical domain.

This is a very cunning, formidable, and relentless thing. Dis-ease.  Call it whatever you want or don’t call it anything other than addiction.  It doesn’t matter what you label it or name it.  And if you deny it, all the better, for “it”. 

What I’m experiencing, little by little, is that the more spiritually perceptive, discerning, keen, awake, and surrendered you are; the sooner addiction can be arrested.

I believe that being human, makes you higher risk and more susceptible to addiction, although there are varying degrees of protection and varying degrees of affliction on an individual basis.  Some may disagree because addiction or dependency/withdrawal symptoms can be replicated in lab animals.  While I believe that animals are also spiritual beings, for some reason they are naturally less vulnerable to addiction unless they are being manipulated by people. Naturally they seem less susceptible, and I think it’s because they don’t appear to morally judge themselves or others, and therefore don’t struggle with the human affliction of shame and pride.  Of course, to argue for or against that theory is insignificant. I can’t talk to rats or get into their consciousness. But I digress…

The point is: to win this battle and live in the solution is found in something that is pretty counter-intuitive to human survival.  It’s quite the uncomfortable human paradox. 

The solution is found in surrender. 

from

Not to the addiction of course, but to a Power greater than it, and greater than you, whatever you name or call that Power doesn’t matter. I once heard someone refer to this Power as “Not Me“. What matters most is that you can see or even slightly believe, that this Power could truly set you free and do for you what you cannot do for yourself, but which you believe you “should” be able to do. And by all means, if you can do this for yourself and you truly do not need a Higher Power than yourself to do this, then I reckon you are not dealing with addiction. Not everything that’s hard to quit is an addiction, that could merely be a bad habit. There’s a difference.

The way I’m finding it works is this: This Higher Power will not go against my minimally cooperative, ideally enthusiastically given, consent. That is how surrender differs from compliance. Surrender to a Higher Power, not comply. This involves trust and desire, even if it’s very very small at first. It can grow, but you can’t grow something out of nothing. You need something to start with. This is the parable of the mustard seed (see Matthew 13:31-32). This is the solution. It is simple, but not easy. Not at all. But like most things, surrendering becomes easier with practice, one day at a time, and not always in a row.  

With this concept of addiction, it doesn’t matter what the chains are tied to.  It could be to a substance, a behavior, a person, or a belief system.  It’s usually to something impermanent, and what isn’t impermanent?

I’ve also observed that the more abstract in nature that the chains are tied to is, the more disguised its occupancy can be, and often more socially acceptable because it’s simply more common by that very disguisable fact. But do not be deceived.  The proof is in the pudding, and that pudding often is spiritual in nature and in how much or how little you’re surrendered to a Higher Power that gives you freedom and not chains.  Surrendering to addiction as your higher power gives you shame upon shame, or even harder to detect; pride upon pride, until you are leveled with reality.

As human beings, we are vulnerable, meaning we are surrendered beings. We are not the most Powerful beings or forces of nature in the universe or even on earth. It’s hard to remember especially when we’re so far removed from being intimately connected with nature. But the fact remains: there are powers and forces greater than us, so know your place and that surrender is unavoidable.

So, what are you surrendered to, and how is that working out for you?

If you scoff at the idea that you are addicted to anything, consider this before your dismissal: The addiction you might have may be revealed with a confrontation of losing something specific, against your will, that others live without and are OK without it. If you had to give this up and learn to be better off with its absence or at minimum, its non-guaranteed presence in your life, would you be, OK? Just something to consider.

Nonetheless…for all of us it’s good to reflect on and choose your surrender, wisely.

Iguazu Falls – the world’s largest waterfall. from
Posted in Addiction, codependency, personal growth, personal healing, recovery, Recovery, Uncategorized, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment
01 Dec 2020
1 Comment

An Open Letter to the 12-Step Literature Approvers…

from

I’m trying to work through the 12-Steps and keep bumping up against what appears as dogma with the Disease Model of addiction. I’m reading Al-Anon approved literature as well as material written by other addiction experts like Gabor Mate and Jamie Marich and am feeling more and more disjointed.

I’ve been personally impacted by a loved one’s addiction and have entered into recovery myself. In 12-Step recovery I’ve been urged to study alcoholism and the disease of addiction. I’ve been studying this subject for years as I’ve been in relationships with people who’ve either been addicted themselves or been impacted by a loved one’s addiction, or both actually. I’m finding myself feeling confused and disjointed, unless I strictly read Al-Anon approved literature! I’m trying to integrate 12-Step approved literature with non-approved addiction literature and am forming my own understanding with as honest and open-minded of an attitude that the Al-Anon program promotes, probably mixed with some of my own defects of character, in process too.

This is my take on addiction thus far coming from someone who finds this subject matter so relevant to her personal life. It’s become an area of passion and vested interest due to my family relationships being touched by addiction. Although I’m not an addiction professional, I represent a voice that’s been deeply impacted by this subject. I’m forming my understanding from a conglomerate of reading from addiction professionals inside and outside of the 12-Step model. It also comes from my lived-experience of going through a loved-one’s relapse into hell. So for whatever it’s worth, I offer my personal reflections from this vantage point. I’m still making sense of my own lived-experience as well as studying the topic of addiction from a variety of sources as I work through the 12-Steps. In other words it’s still slowly brewing, like me. If this benefits someone who has or is going through their own experience of this, I’m grateful.

So without further ado this is my evolving summation on a very complex subject that touches millions of lives every day.

To the Unnamed 12-Step Literature Approvers


I’ve read addiction and codependency literature, outside of your approval. And this is what I’d like to share as a newcomer member of Al-Anon, who also feels deep gratitude for the service of Al-Anon Fellowship. What have we learned about addiction since the 1930’s when A.A. first formed? That it’s complex. And a coherent narrative of addiction in layman’s terms could be that it’s not merely a chronic disease. Consider this narrative that’s backed by addiction and trauma research, and please integrate your approval for literature that offers more. Perhaps something along the lines of this…

Addiction manifests in its burgeoning stage as an unconscious adaptive survival trait in the presence of feeling overwhelming distress, coupled with the absence of a close and secure relationship to an attachment figure like Mom, Dad, or another caregiver.

Notice the Theme, it’s a Duet: Presence + Absence

A presence of Distressing Emotional Experience (based in past and/or present) PLUS an Absence of a Safe enough or secure relationship.

These overwhelming feelings may not even register on the level of conscious awareness until it over-reaches maximum capacity. Until then, the response to overwhelm is constructing and maintaining a thick wall of emotional armor. Any unprocessed feelings from the past accumulate while current feelings which bare any striking resemblance to the past also gets heaped onto the pile. This occurs all while the Absence part of the equation remains – Absence of a Safe Enough or Secure Relationship.

The Absence is a void. A hole consisting of profound disconnection and isolation. A substance or “filler” which acts as a substitute, is reached for in an attempt to fill that void. The momentary relief from pain, and fleeting sensations of pleasure string you along while making increasing demands that you sacrifice more to get more. The constant pursuit and chasing the carrot-on-a-stick can never deliver what you’re pursuing. Freedom from suffering. As this phenomenon takes root like a seemingly innocuous weed, the human’s soul becomes a host for a parasitic-type entity of whatever addictive filler hooks you.

12-Step Fellowships offer a beautiful solution to the Absence part of the equation. The absence of intimate connection which is a fundamental, hardwired, basic human need – creates a void. Filling that void with non-human substances is often a way to cope and while enabling dependency on emotional vulnerability armor. The core issue is an aversion to emotional vulnerability within relationships. When a substance or sabotaging behavior mitigates this aversion despite negative consequences and disturbances in other areas of life, you’ve got the active mechanism of addiction at hand.

So why do relapses occur even after dramatic changes in lifestyle going from using or drinking, to being clean and sober, occur? Well, the other part of the equation needs to be looked at, the presence of distressing experiences especially pertaining to the past which haven’t been processed and integrated.

from

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The etiology of addiction is hotly debated among experts, addicts themselves, and those who love them. What came first, the chicken or the egg? The addiction or the unresolved trauma? They both feed off one another, so does it really matter? Not in order to reduce harm and initially get clean and sober. But to stay clean and sober, heal from the aftermath, and truly make living amends – I believe this is relevant.

It’s my developing opinion based from what I’ve learned from various schools of thought and my own experience, that unresolved childhood trauma provides fertile soil for addiction to take root. Along with family history, social conditioning, lifestyle habits, and genetic factors. I don’t hold to the belief that addiction is merely a disease. This belief is antiquated now that so much multidisciplinary scientific inquiry and findings regarding addiction and the plight of human suffering, have been shared.

The strictly disease-based model that posits addiction and/or alcoholism as a disease, is sometimes a helpful simplification for such a complex phenomenon like addiction. Yet further down the road of recovery after encountering relapse, it’s a harmful over-simplification which can create a false sense of security. I believe it inadvertently creates barriers to healing the roots of addiction when these roots prove to be deeper than what first appeared. The disease-model of addiction can inadvertently bypass critical trauma recovery, which can weaken relapse prevention.

Growing up in family subcultures which are reinforced outside the home by the broader culture, enabling self-ignorance, self-neglect, and/or self-abuse in response to distress – creates ripe conditions for addiction. And relapse. An innocent ignorance or a blatant indifference towards healing trauma in response to addiction recovery, furtively enables the practice of emotional self-neglect which often leads to physical self-abuse/harm through drug/alcohol abuse. When this is tacitly considered “normal” within recovery programs, you’ll find that necessary, deeper recovery is stilted, versus the addiction.

from

I realize my take on addiction and its development doesn’t exclude many people, including myself. Addiction development is quite inclusive and many will be counted as vulnerable towards investing in its empty promises when you have a permissive culture of enabling trauma denial.

Addiction is a very human struggle. It accounts for the struggle of being human in dehumanizing cultures and environments. In my opinion, relegating it as strictly a “disease” seems ignorant. Much has been learned about the nature of addiction and I wish recovery programs would honor this progress. It would help those suffering from addiction and those who love them.

Spiritual principles make room for progression, because you keep an honest and open minded attitude. How can the spirit of 12-Step fellowship principles include the latest findings of addiction without losing it’s unity?Is there room for a different ideology beyond addiction and alcoholism as a disease? Well, even if dogma doesn’t make room for it, my own understanding of the 12-Step spiritual principles, do.

This goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway – these ideas are a representation of my own evolving perspective. Take what serves you, leave the rest.

And with that, I pass. Thank you for reading.

from

Posted in Addiction, emotional health, mental health, personal growth, personal healing, Recovery, Uncategorized and tagged , , ,

Post Navigation