mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the tag “emotional trust”

03 Oct 2024

On Emotions

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Emotions are part and parcel of being alive and human. They exist for the purpose of survival and flourishing.

Emotions are forces of energy which propel us to take particular actions that are supportive, protective, transformative, and creative.

Yet, just like other forces of nature or energy like heat – their power can range from being productive to destructive.

One of the first things to understand about emotions is that most of our understanding about emotions is flawed. More specifically – misguided, unhelpful, and even harmful.

Emotional literacy is not taught in our schools, nor is it valued. This leaves us far more ignorantly vulnerable and unprotected to the pathological, maladaptive, and misuse of emotions which are incredible sources of energy, power, healing, and innate wisdom.

Instead, we judge ourselves and others for having emotions even though they are a natural part of human evolution. We apply a lens that is restrictive and limiting to our emotions that is dualistic: “right or wrong”, “good or bad”. This makes it a lot harder to do what is evolutionarily intended: to feel them, and if they are intense – to feel and acknowledge them in the presence of supportive and understanding others.

So then – How do things go so awry when it comes to emotions?

Let’s start from the beginning, when humans start to develop. Infancy.

In order for infants to develop optimally – they naturally need and depend on an emotional bond with at least one caregiver that is characterized by a felt experience of: Belonging, reliability, comfort, being delightfully interested in, nurturing, and protection.

This kind of relationship in turn facilitates, understands, and values the preverbal communication of the infant – which is through expression of a range of different emotions.

The infant expresses feelings and needs: physical, social, and psychological. This forms the foundation for the child to develop their sense of who they are (self), in and through their relational experience of feeling enoughness: safe enough, good enough, on a consistently enough basis.

The necessary enoughness involves relational repairs when the inevitable human misattunements occur, which rupture the secure emotional bond from being experienced.

Relational repairs in childhood actually increases the tolerance level for inevitable misattunements and minor emotional injuries by loved ones. This is in a similar fashion to how the immune system develops – through micro exposures to a variety of foreign organisms it’s forced to adapt to, but I digress…

This kind of relational experience with at least one significant caregiver becomes internalized and cultivates how the child comes to see themself, even in a not yet consciously aware way.

This relationally developmental process profoundly influences the initial way the child sees themself and others in the years to come.

So, for better or worse: Young and vulnerable humans (infants) internalize how they are treated, responded to, and reflected back, by caregivers.

How are the inevitable mishaps, misattunements, and miscoordinated interactions by loving but imperfect caregivers handled?

It depends a lot on how the caregiver responds to feeling vulnerable and exposed as imperfect. This is where the difficult but important emotion of shame comes in. How do they respond to feedback that communicates: You’re missing me. You’re not getting it right with me – and it’s important to get it right – which activates some shame go alert for a course correct.

Will the caregiver rigidly defend against feeling shame and vulnerability to making mistakes? Or will they be open to owning that natural although uncomfortable part of being human and learn because shame is a marker that something important is occurring in this moment.

Can they respond to the invitation to reflectively course-correct with compassionate curiosity? This is the gift of within-tolerance-level shame. It alerts us to the inevitable need to course-correct when engaging in something that is important to us, like our relationships.

Course-corrections are a universal aspect of what it means to be human.

Humans are mistake-and-error-makers.

And –

Human are an incredibly teachable species, or we would not have been able to adapt and survive.

This learning or adaptiveness takes place when we are not so hardened to shame.

Self-compassion is an essential protector from intolerable shame which often in turn leads to being defended against or hardened to shame. That just robs us of the opportunity to make adaptive changes and course corrections on this journey called life.

That is my evolving introductory reflections from reading about attachment, affective neuroscience, developmental trauma, and on accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP) which is a healing oriented approach to therapy.

In deep gratitude I continue to learn and have been profoundly influenced by studying the work of:

  • Diana Fosha
  • Hilary Jacobs Hendle
  • Peter Fonagy
  • Kristin Neff
  • Steven Hayes
  • Daniel Siegel
  • Ed Tronick
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02 Jun 2021

All Emotions Welcome

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All emotions are welcome to eat, at the table of consciousness.  I affirm the valuable energy and wisdom, equally inherent in all emotions.

I uphold a non discrimination policy regarding emotions.  I also acknowledge that our western culture privileges certain emotions being tolerated, expressed, and openly shared, while other emotions remain underprivileged and discriminated against in the guise of being “virtuous”, “spiritual” and/or “strong” and “having it together”.

A multi-emotional diversity culture is a culture in which we co-create, with the intention of becoming more intimate and consciously aware of our inconspicuously held conditioning which reinforces emotional bias, ignorance and spiritual bypassing.  And then, update and expand this space to fully inhabit YOU.

This conditioning may often privilege comfortable emotions, while implicitly or explicitly, discriminates and devalues emotions that aren’t considered as “acceptable” or “appropriate” because they cause discomfort (to others or yourself), namely unnamed shame.

I’ll call this kind of emotional discrimination: “Emotionalism”

Many of us have internalized emotionalism. It is a form of Self-denial and emotional dishonesty, but can often mistakenly be considered “spiritual” or “conscious evolution” in certain circles.

Perhaps it is.

Perhaps it isn’t.

We can delve into this if you’ve got a subtle but undeniable inkling that there’s more to it. More to you. And, you’re ready to go deeper inside.

Contact me if you feel a curiosity with your emotions, yet can relate to internalized emotionalism. I have personal, lived-experience in recovering and healing from this all too common intrapersonal dynamic. The freedom and deeper level of trust and respect from within, is so worth it. This is a labor of love through Emotional Empowerment Coaching, where we value all your emotions, and can utilize the energy contained within emotions in a life-giving way that does no harm to others, or self.

Because, all emotions are welcome.

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27 Nov 2020
2 Comments

The Drama of Wisdom

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Intruder
Sound the alarm
An uncomfortable thought broke in
Another unpleasant memory with an unpleasant feeling

Back off, you invader
Leave me alone
I will resist you
I will cut you off
You’re an unwelcome

No.

Excuse me?

I said “No”

Who is this “I”?

I am the “I”
You are also the “I”
You’ve forgotten who you are
Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’re going to die
I can be trusted with your thoughts, memories, and feelings

Yes, push back
Push back the smothering walls in this suffocating house
You can contain more – not less
Make room for what arises

These are not enemies
These are honored guests
Unpleasant at first yet the more you resist, the more they persist

They come from within, not from afar
Where else will they go?
They belong to you

You kick them out
And they’ll return
This isn’t a threat
It’s dharma, it’s reality

Treat them as allies, not as foes
The choices is yours
This house is laid brick by brick
This life is made, choice by choice
This one life is yours
All yours

from

Posted in Uncategorized, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Dec 2019
2 Comments

Trust Your Anger


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Say what?

Yes. I am here to tell you that you can trust your anger. This emotion has been so poorly misunderstood for many folks, including myself. And I understand why. When we don’t understand that our anger is offering us a love-based power, we tend to distrust, fear, resist and/or misdirect it.

I’ve done all the above. Yet the thing is with anger (and all of our “negative” emotions) it doesn’t magically disappear just because we ignore it. Emotions are energy, and according to my high school daughter’s science teacher; energy cannot be destroyed or created, but transferred. Now, whether the act of transferring of energy is conscious or not, that’s where having an empowerment lens regarding emotions comes into play.

What if anger is meant to be a loving and persistent wake up call? A clarion call to expand, first within yourself.

When we keep hitting the ‘snooze’ button on our anger, it doesn’t work out too well for long. Anger is meant to wake you up and the more you try to resist it, the more it will persist even if it means it has to come out sideways. And when our emotions have to come out sideways, there are usually unforeseen and undesirable “side effects”, pun intended.

Common ways anger comes out sideways is by being super judgmental and intolerant of certain differences, while feeling a sense of self-righteousness. It also comes out by being covertly aggressive while feigning this helpless victim/vindictive mode of operation, triangulation, gossip, “isms”, divisiveness, and ultimately consumes a ton of energy to keep anger, on lock-down. Sometimes there is so much energy used up to lock-down anger (which again is energy itself) that people will collapse or implode from basically going to war with their own energy. Depression comes to mind.

I see depression as energy literally used to depress energy; an emotional civil war of sorts that presents in a multitude of self-harming ways in order to release this built up tension from a civil or internal war. There will be success in the sense of temporarily avoiding the anger, but this comes at a huge cost. Consider countries who are engaged in civil wars; burning up valuable resources to fight themselves.

The goal of avoiding anger may be reached by not ever authentically expressing it, but usually this results in ultimately feeling: ISOLATED and drained, while blaming external factors or people, for the internal civil war. That IS depressing.

What if your anger wants to bring you connection, first within. What if anger was a bridge between the gap of who you think you “ought” to be and who you are, authentically?

Anger is an alarm. It’s a wake up call. What is anger waking you up to?

Your TRUE SELF and the power you have in being true to this self.

You may keep hitting snooze on your anger if you fear and judge aspects of yourself, as well as your own sense of personal power. You may believe it’s better to give away your power, and hold someone else responsible for this. Yet when they inevitably disappoint you with your power you’ve given away, you blame them. This keeps you stuck. If this is what you want, don’t change a thing. Don’t look within.

If you want something different, you’ll have to be willing to do something, different.

The way out, is through your anger. Listen to it.

When I’ve tapped into my own anger, this is what I’ve heard it saying: 
“Hear Me. See Me. The REAL Me.  Stop giving me away to other people. Stop giving away my Power. Stop abandoning me. I know you can handle me. You can handle my power. I am trustworthy, but I will not shut up. I am not evil. I will not make you “sin”. I do not want to harm you or others. I want to wake you up to something bigger and better, but you are asleep within your comfort zone, fearing the unknown. Fearing the unfamiliar. I am here to provide you with the necessary fuel to trek through uncharted territory and do things that are not within your norm. The norm is boring and lulling you to sleep. I am here to WAKE YOUR LOVELY ASS UP to how parts of you have been indoctrinated with bullshit. Do you want to hold onto bullshit? I am here to wake you up to living a life that you truly mean to live, yet there are limiting subconscious beliefs getting in the way. I’m not afraid to confront bullshit, I can handle it. Trust me, and WAKE UP.”

This is the empowered message of anger. It’s a wake up call to live more consciously and authentically. Ironically, the more you snooze your anger, the more you will distrust it because you are experiencing the side-effects of denied anger, which comes out SIDEWAYS.

And you SHOULD be leery of anger that comes out sideways. It ain’t pretty, it’s quite depressing actually. And yet you can let your anger direct you, back to yourself, one step at a time.

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