This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.
Intruder Sound the alarm An uncomfortable thought broke in Another unpleasant memory with an unpleasant feeling
Back off, you invader Leave me alone I will resist you I will cut you off You’re an unwelcome
No.
Excuse me?
I said “No”
Who is this “I”?
I am the “I” You are also the “I” You’ve forgotten who you are Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’re going to die I can be trusted with your thoughts, memories, and feelings
Yes, push back Push back the smothering walls in this suffocating house You can contain more – not less Make room for what arises These are not enemies These are honored guests Unpleasant at first yet the more you resist, the more they persist
They come from within, not from afar Where else will they go? They belong to you You kick them out And they’ll return This isn’t a threat It’s dharma, it’s reality Treat them as allies, not as foes The choices is yours This house is laid brick by brick This life is made, choice by choice This one life is yours All yours
Long entangled strings from old baggage seem to follow, like a shadow.
The longer you’ve traveled this earth, the more you collect. In it can be treasures or and, rotten waste.
Open up your baggage! Its damn flowing train is getting too long! It’s now a tripping hazard for you and for me!
I wish it were as easy as the Baggage Claim at the airport. Travelers recognize their own or can check the name tag. But this baggage isn’t so easily claimed! It’s mistakenly claimed as mine when it’s really yours!
Back and forth the disclaimed and misclaimed baggage gets passionately tossed between us. Like a hot potato. Scorched are the hands who hold on too long.
Not all of this will burn. There are unclaimed treasures inside too. There’s been a spill from the unfinished business of your past. It has contaminated everything.
When you indiscriminately throw away your past, it comes back. Boomerang. Give and it will be given back? Karmic energy?
Reclaim the abandoned energy within and between you. This will be a joint success, a joint failure, or a joint holding pattern; awaiting clearance. You cannot abandon this energy force, without consequence.
The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
I repeat…
The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
So… Whose shit is this? It’s ours.
Your past, my past Your beliefs, my beliefs Your experiences, my experiences Your pain, my pain Your dreams, my dreams Your grief, my grief Your fears, my fears Your victories, my victories Your strengths, my strengths Your weaknesses, my weaknesses
It all goes into one bag. Like different threads, weaved into a tapestry.
Joint ownership. Joint consequences. Joint time limit.
One bag One tapestry Many threads Our threads
We work to carry it together and move on, Or we toss it back and forth together And, remain firmly stuck in a holding pattern; awaiting clearance… someday. Who knows when?
Meanwhile, time passes by. Time – non-renewable resource. Time. No returns, refunds, or exchanges.
Whose shit is this? Ours. Whose treasure is this? Ours.
We’re currently in the midst of a pandemic. “Normal” isn’t happening. In times like these, I find there to be an “illumination effect” in revealing what lurks in the shadows of everyday distractions. Take away the distractions, the daily routines and “normalcy” – you’ll find things you didn’t see or feel so clearly. Or, at least it was more conveniently overlooked. It’s in this space, I wrote this poem regarding my own intimate relationship and taking its pulse, within me.
“But, what good is that?”
I want to share myself as authentically as I can, being fully who I know I am. – With him.
I want adventure! I want to be fully awake and alive; spiritually and emotionally, not just physically! – With him.
But, what good is that?
I want to be challenged and stretched graciously yet persistently, to reach for new heights and new depths! – With him.
But, what good is that?
I want to bust free from this goddamn smothering straight-jacket of “status quo” and “fitting in” for crumbs of superficial validation. – With him.
But, what good is that?
I want us to become who we were divinely created to be, not merely who we’ve been “tamed”, “conditioned”, or “raised” to be. – With him.
But, what good is that?
I want to be wildly free, from this cage of mediocrity. – With him.
But, what good is that?
What my heart and soul long for is closeness, beyond merely physicality. – With him.
But, what good is that?
My pursuit and fight for intimacy is a result of an ongoing experience of a partner who resists intimacy, and me resisting his resistance. This is resulting in regression and degeneration – the opposite of what my heart longs for. – With him.
Why, do you keep asking me this? I’m trying to have intimacy!
But, what good is that?
The merry-go-round of resistance keeps me from what I’ve been terrified of – acceptance and the grieving through accepting what is. There is shame wrapped up in the grief. This is my inner work of healing, which I’ve been unconsciously avoiding because it’s so damn painful and uncomfortable. We are apart, together. And together, apart.
mindingmybiz 
