mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the tag “mental health”

03 Oct 2024

On Emotions

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Emotions are part and parcel of being alive and human. They exist for the purpose of survival and flourishing.

Emotions are forces of energy which propel us to take particular actions that are supportive, protective, transformative, and creative.

Yet, just like other forces of nature or energy like heat – their power can range from being productive to destructive.

One of the first things to understand about emotions is that most of our understanding about emotions is flawed. More specifically – misguided, unhelpful, and even harmful.

Emotional literacy is not taught in our schools, nor is it valued. This leaves us far more ignorantly vulnerable and unprotected to the pathological, maladaptive, and misuse of emotions which are incredible sources of energy, power, healing, and innate wisdom.

Instead, we judge ourselves and others for having emotions even though they are a natural part of human evolution. We apply a lens that is restrictive and limiting to our emotions that is dualistic: “right or wrong”, “good or bad”. This makes it a lot harder to do what is evolutionarily intended: to feel them, and if they are intense – to feel and acknowledge them in the presence of supportive and understanding others.

So then – How do things go so awry when it comes to emotions?

Let’s start from the beginning, when humans start to develop. Infancy.

In order for infants to develop optimally – they naturally need and depend on an emotional bond with at least one caregiver that is characterized by a felt experience of: Belonging, reliability, comfort, being delightfully interested in, nurturing, and protection.

This kind of relationship in turn facilitates, understands, and values the preverbal communication of the infant – which is through expression of a range of different emotions.

The infant expresses feelings and needs: physical, social, and psychological. This forms the foundation for the child to develop their sense of who they are (self), in and through their relational experience of feeling enoughness: safe enough, good enough, on a consistently enough basis.

The necessary enoughness involves relational repairs when the inevitable human misattunements occur, which rupture the secure emotional bond from being experienced.

Relational repairs in childhood actually increases the tolerance level for inevitable misattunements and minor emotional injuries by loved ones. This is in a similar fashion to how the immune system develops – through micro exposures to a variety of foreign organisms it’s forced to adapt to, but I digress…

This kind of relational experience with at least one significant caregiver becomes internalized and cultivates how the child comes to see themself, even in a not yet consciously aware way.

This relationally developmental process profoundly influences the initial way the child sees themself and others in the years to come.

So, for better or worse: Young and vulnerable humans (infants) internalize how they are treated, responded to, and reflected back, by caregivers.

How are the inevitable mishaps, misattunements, and miscoordinated interactions by loving but imperfect caregivers handled?

It depends a lot on how the caregiver responds to feeling vulnerable and exposed as imperfect. This is where the difficult but important emotion of shame comes in. How do they respond to feedback that communicates: You’re missing me. You’re not getting it right with me – and it’s important to get it right – which activates some shame go alert for a course correct.

Will the caregiver rigidly defend against feeling shame and vulnerability to making mistakes? Or will they be open to owning that natural although uncomfortable part of being human and learn because shame is a marker that something important is occurring in this moment.

Can they respond to the invitation to reflectively course-correct with compassionate curiosity? This is the gift of within-tolerance-level shame. It alerts us to the inevitable need to course-correct when engaging in something that is important to us, like our relationships.

Course-corrections are a universal aspect of what it means to be human.

Humans are mistake-and-error-makers.

And –

Human are an incredibly teachable species, or we would not have been able to adapt and survive.

This learning or adaptiveness takes place when we are not so hardened to shame.

Self-compassion is an essential protector from intolerable shame which often in turn leads to being defended against or hardened to shame. That just robs us of the opportunity to make adaptive changes and course corrections on this journey called life.

That is my evolving introductory reflections from reading about attachment, affective neuroscience, developmental trauma, and on accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP) which is a healing oriented approach to therapy.

In deep gratitude I continue to learn and have been profoundly influenced by studying the work of:

  • Diana Fosha
  • Hilary Jacobs Hendle
  • Peter Fonagy
  • Kristin Neff
  • Steven Hayes
  • Daniel Siegel
  • Ed Tronick
Posted in Emotional Empowerment Coaching, emotional health, mental health, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
23 Apr 2024
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Adulthood Stranger Danger

There’s a label I keep hearing people throw on others, and that is simply this: “Weird”.

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This “weird” is a pejorative, meaning: “not like me/us”. It could be anyone different, as if there is one set-standard of what’s considered “normal” and “acceptable”, which happens to confirm my biases!

In childhood, this may have helped keep kids safe from trusting all adults they didn’t know. In adulthood, the context for keeping ourselves safe is different because we are adults. We’ve got more capacity and maturity; emotionally, relationally, psychologically, financially, and physically.

What is “weird” or “strange” to us in adulthood could simply be what is unfamiliar or different. That’s it!

But how would we learn and grow if we approached everything that was unfamiliar or different as “dangerous”? Nobody would learn a new task or a new perspective or anything new at all! We would be pretty stunted people.

When it comes to meeting new people and encountering different perspectives as adults, “stranger danger” is a major barrier. If you want to learn and grow beyond what you already think and know, or think you know, then start to embrace differences.

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Different does not equal danger.

Disagreement does not equal danger.

Different does not equal deviant, aberrant, unsafe, or threatening…unless of course, you’re firmly stuck in being very fragile, rigid, inflexible, and have Difference Intolerance Disorder. Admittedly we can all slip into that state of being, and – we can all move beyond it, too.

Difference Intolerance Disorder is not an actual diagnosis. I just made that up. But I’ve experienced this in myself and with others, and it stunts adult growth and development.

When you encounter people who have a different take on something than you do, this does not mean they are dangerous. It simply means they have a different perspective.

When you encounter people who disagree with you, or whom you disagree with on certain issues it does not have to equal threat. It simply means there is a disagreement – a different perspective.

People are different than you. People see things differently. This is normal. Not weird.

What is weird is this generalization of Difference-Intolerance-Disorder, in that people expect others to be just like them, or they feel a sense of danger or threat which activates an intense response of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – as if THAT is normal.

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We have this ignorant-ignorance setting in where we are ignorant of our ignorance and are unwilling to learn. Instead, we quickly label anyone as different than us as “weird” in the pejorative.

May I suggest that we start seeing these differences and disagreements as opportunities to learn more about one another, ourselves, and grow out of ignorance?

Even if we didn’t change our conclusions, we could change how we understand others and how we relate to them. We won’t cling to needing others to be so like us, to feel OK.

Adulthood stranger danger is not cute, beneficial, psychologically or socially adaptive.

Difference Intolerance Disorder creates stunted adults and a not so good social ecology. Consider how biodiversity is embedded in nature.

There is an alternative way to be with those who are simply and normally, different. This involves humility, courage, and curiosity.

Imagine a world where people, just like the rest of nature, would expect (vs. suspect) and tolerate differences as if that was normal.

If you’re usually surrounded by or interacting with people who are pretty much just like you, consider all that you’re missing out on. And then get out there and grow.

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Posted in personal growth, social awareness, spirituality, Uncategorized, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21 Feb 2022

On Morality & Love

There’s a story of a man named Simeon in the Bible (see Luke 2:25-35) who was described as being “righteous and devout”.

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What does it mean exactly, to be righteous and devout? I’ve got my personal stereotypes and caricatures that portray someone who is “holy”, meaning a bit emotionally cold or stoic, conditionally approachable, not very down-to-earth or relatable, probably intelligent, sophisticated, and rather arrogant. That’s the best description of the image I find that initially emerges into conscious awareness.

Well according to how Jesus answered a teacher of the law, the highest form of morality can be boiled down to love (see Mark 12:29-31). Sequentially and specifically; loving God with your whole inner and integrated being. And then Jesus adds an addendum that seems inseparable to the first command (and that’s much easier to measure) – ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

So, I think it’s safe to presume that being righteous and devout means loving an external, metaphysical, ethereal, abstract Being with YOUR whole internal, metaphysical, ethereal, abstract being – measured by an empirically validated and evidenced way – how you treat “your neighbor” as well as yourself.

It’s so simple that we don’t buy it and we often find ourselves adding on a multitude of “morality measurements” with countless other morality clauses than what Jesus added. Just love your neighbors as yourself, that’s hard enough. And your “neighbor” is something else to contemplate in the story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10, which I won’t go into in this post.

So, the question I’m pondering here is this: How is mental health and development, factored into this command – to love so integratively in a way that it manifests with congruency with other people?

By all appearances and experiences of mine thus far I’m quite sure of this: being loving is not an inborn human trait. Being loving isn’t innately and independently present in human infants. I’ve given birth to and am raising 3 human souls, and I’ve watched them closely.

Now to be clear— being IN NEED of love, at birth and onward is inborn and innate. And when you form a secure attachment and nurture and protect your babies they coo, smile, and affectionately bond with you right back. It’s a beautiful circle of love. But it didn’t begin with the baby first loving me. It started with a baby who needed to be loved and cared for, FIRST.

The nature of the intimate dyad of human caregiving determines (although not exclusively) a great deal in how “loving” a person will eventually be, influenced by how much they themselves felt loved, or more specifically – securely attached.

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“Loving” is not to be confused with merely how “nice”, “polite”, socially acceptable, or virtuous they appear in public. This is about way more than mere etiquette. Rather, it’s far more about how much they’ll be able to enjoy consensual and reciprocal vulnerability, authenticity, and work through the inevitable interpersonal conflicts with a selected few. In other words: healthy interpersonal relationships.

In an ideal world, humans would produce loving human beings – generation after generation. It doesn’t take much to see that we don’t live in an ideal world. Far from it.

So if children grow without enough of this kind of emotional secure attachment created within their earliest and formative interpersonal relationships, how can we expect them to give what they don’t have? For so many who didn’t, are we screwed? No. There is a path of healing and inner recovery. God is sensitively attuned to the broken-hearted, who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Just meditate on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5.

I believe humans are biologically wired to be moral creatures. When we are immoral, we suffer and often find ways to escape or find relief from suffering. To be clear again: We are innately moral creatures which means our biology is wired for thriving when we’re morally strong. And I hope I’ve made it clear enough by now that when I say “moral” I mean we’re biologically created to be loved and loving – this is how we’re morally biologically wired – for love, aka to need to give and receive secure emotional attachments. Possessing a familiarity of attachment styles in both childhood and adulthood is helpful to understanding where I’m coming from. Hopefully if you’re making a living within the mental health field or personal development arena, you’re more than a little familiar with the scientific literature on attachment styles and neurobiology. Hopefully.

I digress. Getting back to morality and love…

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

So, to those who perceive themselves as morally righteous, and therefore loving as described above – What is your detailed and coherent, autobiographical narrative that’s made sense of your adulthood in light of your childhood?

In all transparency, this is somewhat of a trick question. I’ve heard people saying they grew up with love and support from their parents, yet these same people are often times some of the quickest to criticize or judge others and are also some of the most emotionally cold or shallow people I know. To be sure, they are often very “nice”, “polite”, socially acceptable, and fluent in practicing social graces/etiquette. Yet, there seems to be a gaping hole, a sense of wtf-ness that’s hard to explain and even harder to convince them of.

Now of course, I could very well be totally off myself here. But the disjointed feeling I get in this wtf-ness experience is because I hear they consider themselves as lucky for growing up the way they did, and therefore they don’t “morally” struggle much. Yet at the same time, I observe that they find it very difficult, unvaluable, and unnecessary (if they even notice) to be emotionally vulnerable, authentic, and show capacity to work through interpersonal conflicts with their loved ones. It’s a head-scratcher for me.

This is the best I can come up with to try and explain the dissonance between morality and love, profoundly the kind of love from God, that pours out interpersonally. Unless you experience it yourself with God, it’s hard to explain to others.

There was a woman who was described in Luke 7:37 as “a woman in that town who lived a sinful life”. She wept on Jesus’ feet (portrays her as probably crawling on the floor in approaching and being next to Jesus) kissed his feet, then wiped his feet with her hair, and poured perfume from an alabaster jar.

To be loved and to love.

I think she gets it.

Intuitively.

Without explanation.

Her story might help shed light on this gaping hole for those who need an explanation. Jesus saw that Simon the Pharisee didn’t get it either.

“Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

Luke 7:44-47

How well you understand the love of God for yourself has much to do with how much you’ve experienced forgiveness from God. And if in your own self-estimation, you don’t have much to be forgiven for, you’ll find it hard to love others who do.

It boils down to compassion. If you don’t have much need for compassion from others, you won’t feel much compassion for others either.

If you’ve never felt much need for love from others, you likely won’t feel much love for others.

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Posted in Christianity, emotional health, mental health, morality, personal growth, personal healing, recovery, Recovery, spirituality, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
14 Jun 2020

Self-Reflections on Real vs. Fake Confidence, In Relationships

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I like who I am.  I genuinely do.  Yes, there are parts of me I feel more comfortable with than others, but they all make up who I am.  They all belong to me.  The sum of all my parts make up who I am; deep, passionate, caring, and completely lovable. Not everyone will see me in this way, at least not all the time. I don’t either, and I’m OK with that. 

Others have parts of themselves they’re uncomfortable with too, and when certain parts or emotions are expressed in me, it may provoke a reaction from others which illuminates how they feel or interact with their own similar parts.  It’s very rarely personal, but almost always revealing of how one holds certain parts of themselves, usually unconsciously.  That’s exactly why it isn’t personal, yet to the degree an individual can make space for all their parts it will impact the degree of intimacy or intimate-capacity they have for another.

In conflict, pivotal opportunity arises.  The opportunity to strengthen a connection by showing up with openness.  When the struggle (and it’s often a struggle, hence the conflict) to do this is self-acknowledged, compassionate curiosity can soften the edges.  

As a type 6 on the Enneagram, I can detect extremely subtle emotional energy, for better or for worse.  You see, emotions tell on us. They reveal what we tell ourselves about ourselves, and what we tell ourselves about others, all at lightning speed. Curiosity engages with this process and slows it down, because it all happens so rapidly. Slowing the speed down serves to prevent defensively disengaging and shutting down the process, or reacting to it by going on the offense against whatever or whomever we feel defensive towards. What often happens when we don’t consciously slow down to reflect, is a missed opportunity at best, and a self-sabotaging repeat of things we’ve later come to regret.

When an individual shows up with a non-defensive presence and can attune, or meet me where I’m at with sincere, non-judgmental engagement i.e. empathy – it is extremely subtle but profound. This is how intimacy is built, and it is also where it is lost if someone cannot engage with this process. The capacity to be intimate and emotionally available with themselves, and therefore with others is what’s illuminated in these moments. And with that, the opportunity to grow. And, there is always room to grow individually and relationally.

When the opportunity is seized, it’s truly a gift.  A gift that’s birthed in imperfection. It’s a privilege to witness this. What I’m witnessing is another sacred human’s strength and profound trust in themselves, and the impact of being trusted by them as well. There’s risk involved. I want to show up as honestly and authentically as I can, there’s little room for perfectionism in this process.

The natural slower rhythms of synchronicity within this level of intimacy spring from doing enough of this on an individual level first. When two individuals mutually cultivate this kind of space between each other there’s a shared protectiveness and enjoyment, and it’s quite nice and quite rare! So, treasure it.

And while enduring the experiences where there’s a lack of synchronicity, I’m learning to not take the misattunements personally.  It’s more than likely a ripple effect of the rapid past-time insecurities, anxieties, and defenses at play. The key word is: rapid. It cannot be overemphasized how important slowing down is, in order to engage in this process productively.

In certain cases you may find yourself in isolation when it comes to having the intention to evolve, and strengthen your own self and the relationship. When another individual (of which you have no control over) is more invested in their ego boosting their self-esteem, they will defend and resist with great effort. It’s hard to believe because it feels so personal, and it is, but it’s not about YOUR personhood, it’s about theirs. Their very own sense of self-esteem is dependent on a false self (ego) to feel secure, and there is rigidity, not flexibility, in the ego. It’s ego-preservation vs. self-preservation.

When the True self is the one fueling self-esteem, there’s an openness that emerges because the True Self, knows itself and all of its parts (the good the bad and the ugly) can belong so clearly to itself regardless of how anyone may react. It’s an integrated Self that is self-accepting.

So when you experience resistance, understand this is where you can also grow. And to be clear, resistance and defensive reactions can range anywhere from avoidance to fleeing to going on the offense by becoming either passive-aggressive or blatantly aggressive. This is indicative of ego-preservation, that results from having a fragile source of self-esteem (the ego).

When (not if, but when) this happens, you’ll have an opportunity with yourself to get very clarifying information around your own ego-preservation activities, which we all have to different degrees, and of different levels of awareness and intensity depending on how your personality operates (read up on Enneagram). The cracks in your own armor around this may likely get exposed.  Ouch. And welcome to the human race, once again. How you respond has impact. Invite yourself to become empowered.

Some of us are more easily duped by our egos than others. To those who have very sophisticated egos when it comes to self-awareness and where we are on our growth maps, you may want to ask yourself some discerning questions:

  • Do you value or dismiss what’s triggering you? 
  • Do you engage in vulnerable and compassionate self-reflection, sharing this with at least one individual who will challenge and vet your narrative?

If not, you’ll stay stuck and your evolution will pass this opportunity by, and will return again and again until you’ve worked this through to completion.  And, may then visit your descendents for the opportunity to evolve in the next generation.

Little by little, (which is the pace that organic life grows) you’ll stretch your window of tolerating discomfort as you receive these Divinely inspired opportunities to say yes to building a sense of genuine self-confidence that stems from grace and truth.

This is how ultimately how I see adult development works, whether I like parts of it or not. 

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Posted in codependency, emotional health, intimate relationships, mental health, personal growth, personal healing, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
01 Feb 2019
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Fragility vs. Sensitivity

I am an emotionally sensitive person.  This is not to be confused with being an emotionally fragile person.  

My emotional sensitivity creates more incentive in cultivating self-awareness versus self-ignorance, because this sensitivity also makes me a more conscientious person who has to rumble with my ethics and guilt, and discern if it is healthy/ethical guilt, or if I’m being guilt-tripped beyond the point where my ethics have authority and I’ve crossed over into someone else’s primary jurisdiction of personal responsibility. Sometimes there are very fine lines, and grey areas of both/and. This is why boundaries are so important for me. It helps channel my attention and energy, which there seems to be more of due to this heightened sensitivity, and with that there needs to be heightened boundaries.

I’m becoming more aware of this innate drive to engage inwardly and do it with compassionate curiosity, because it’s nearly impossible to ignore and escape from due to my sensitive nature.

-Again, notice I said sensitive, not fragile.

An exquisite perceptivity resides within me due to this highly sensitive way of being. In and of itself, this high sensitivity is neither good nor bad – it can be both good and bad, depending on the situation, but alone it is neutral. Subtle or nuanced qualities register on my radar that often go over the heads of others. I sense, discern, and am aware of more, this is what it’s like to be highly sensitive. I have a sensitive radar, and have often been misjudged as being weak or “too sensitive” implying emotional weakness or fragility. But having this inner highly sensitive apparatus doesn’t make me fragile, nor does it make me a mind-reader.

Often, I will sense the presence of certain emotions, and that is where the conscious boundary is practicing being placed, thanks to Professor Pain in the class of Hard Knocks101. I sense an emotion, but can set a boundary with my Storyteller who immediately starts concocting a story about this emotion or the person, which has gotten me into trouble with mistakenly making boundary intrusions on others. I must say though, at times that Storyteller is spot-on or pretty damn close IF I’ve been invited into part of a person’s inner sacred journey before. But even so, this Storyteller is far from infallible, she’s still got human limitations.

Now, I will speak to this “fragility” label, because I’ve often internalized this. Just as there are special devices that can see infrared light which is invisible to the naked eye, this is how it is for me concerning emotions. Devices used to detect infrared light are considered a valuable resource when illumination and awareness of infrared light is valued. The device’s ability to do that isn’t slammed as being “weak” or “fragile. The capacity for emotional sensitivity can serve as a valuable resource for people with this emotional radar as well, when there is receptivity to emotional awareness. It can actually be a very valuable resource, when emotions are valued.

The opportunity available from this capacity is for me to connect more intimately with my emotions, and to the emotions of others. There’s a flip side though – it’s much more challenging to ignore or numb out from what I sense, even when I don’t WANT the awareness. Sometimes these emotions (mine or others) are inside of conscious awareness and sometimes, they are not. I am learning to expand the space in my conscious awareness, for there is where I have more freedom to choose.

This ability to sense subtle stuff does not make me fragile. On the contrary, I have the opportunity to turn towards what I sense or, turn my back on what I sense. I am learning to turn towards these with intention and curiosity, versus reactively invalidating or defending against feeling them, or projecting my own unwanted emotions onto others because they make me uncomfortable.

Emotional sensitivity is not the same as emotional fragility. Emotional fragility is often unconsciously dependent on being unaware and ignorant of an emotional life, for fear that the awareness of emotions will shatter you. 

The operative unspoken rule: “Thou shalt not be emotionally aware.”

Usually with the exception of one emotion (or if you’re super lucky- two, with happy usually as one of those “acceptable emotions”) – all others are rejected or denied because they’re threatening or “too heavy”.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! [clap clap!] Meanwhile all other emotions are denied.

– And this is emotional fragility.

It’s usually an unconscious transaction that’s passed on from one generation to the next, which invests lots of energy into avoiding or turning your back on emotions (yours and others’) rather than acknowledging or let alone feeling them. It’s not usually a conscious option to connect to them for better self-understanding or empathically understanding others. Emotional fragility makes empathy nearly impossible, and when it is present it’s an extremely rare and limited edition.

Emotional fragility judges emotional sensitivity as a nuisance at best, and as defective at worst, because being exquisitely aware of emotions is threatening and intolerable.  This is generationally passed down until someone says “enough” to emotional fragility and digs into their own inner healing work.

Being sensitive means SENSING emotions, not creating them. It’s being aware and receptive of them as they naturally arise. Digging through emotions is what emotionally sensitive people can value, because burying them requires SO much more work.  Burying over emotions is what emotionally fragile people value, because emotional awareness itself is devalued, at great relational and eventually physical costs. There is a connection between our emotional health and our physical health.

Emotionally avoidant behaviors usually result in accumulating emotions and this accumulation comes with hefty taxes and unwanted side-effects because it’s running away from what IS – emotional reality, from the inside out. It’s resistance. And what you resist, persists.

Emotionally fragile people depend on not feeling their discomfort and becoming closed-off and defensive towards anything or anyone who triggers these f-f-f-feeeelings. This doesn’t seem to work against them until the accumulation of emotional debt piles up and start burying them alive. Usually personal relationships, either intimate or in the workplace, start to unravel. The build-up of a denied emotional life creates a tumor that is not benign.

Emotionally sensitive people who have learned to welcome and honor their sensitivity will start to work with their discomfort, becoming openly curious about it when triggered. I’ve also noticed, their “bottoms” tend to be higher than the non-sensitive person’s.

Emotional fragility is often a life lived while walking on eggshells, using more and more bubble wrap around self-awareness, until you can barely function without rigidity and stiffness.  Emotional sensitivity often requires you to live life with resiliency because you can’t live life with bubble wrap around your emotions, so you experience quicker consequences when you don’t take regular emotional self-inventories, but you also experience deeper satisfaction when you do. The lows can be lower, and the highs can be higher.

I am emotionally sensitive and have spent most of my life trying not to be, confusing emotional fragility with strength and fortitude. I’m now seeing through that smokescreen. Emotional fragility is a sort of lackluster of courage and adapting to that lack of courage starts to take its toll. Emotional sensitivity can be cultivated, when you accept the invitation to your emotional world and connect inwardly in a compassionate place, then empathically connect to others. This leads to an authenticity that is built on a kind of inner strength and fortitude that is resilient – not fragile.

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