mindingmybiz

This blog is my shared process in working towards integrating self-awareness with all other aspects of life, while on my way to becoming more authentic and whole.

Archive for the category “intimate relationships”

On Meaning, Motherhood, and Viktor Frankl’s Quiet Influence

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of this thing I’ve been given – a life – both in general terms, and for me personally?

These questions played in my mind during my usual walk outside. They were stirred by reading passages from Viktor Frankl’s work in Man’s Search for Meaning and being introduced to Logotherapy. In truth, though, I’ve pondered these questions since I was a teen.

As I reflect on Frankl’s ideas, I’m also trying to integrate what I’ve learned from affective neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment literature. These fields offer decades of research pointing to a central truth: emotions – expressed through bodily sensations – exist to keep us alive and safe in the moment. And in childhood, that safety comes primarily from our attachment to caregivers. Humans evolved as relational beings – from the moment we’re born our survival depends on others. Throughout life, we continue to thrive or suffer based on the quality of our relationships. When those bonds are absent or persistently low-quality, people often languish in despair or stagnate at its edges, functioning as though biological survival is the only objective.

This brings me to the heart of relationships themselves. Their quality is experienced primarily through emotions. Are the overall interactions; cooperative, meaningful, and “good enough”? When they are, we feel emotional reward or satisfaction. When they aren’t – which is normal and inevitable – the error can either be brushed off without resentment or it can leave a trace of resentment or emotional imbalance, which is just the nervous system’s way of signaling that a rupture needs repair and that the relationship matters enough to preserve by tending to it.

Ruptures aren’t failures – they’re just moments that need repair. And repairs aren’t a big deal, they’re the everyday maintenance that restores emotional balance so interactions don’t become unbalanced or combative, with one person carrying more than their fair share of the emotional load. Over time, repeated repairs build high-quality relationships – what attachment researchers call secure attachment, or simply relationships that are at least “good enough”.

Normalizing conflict is essential to living in reality, which is often messy. No relationship escapes imperfection. Humans misattune to one another constantly. The real trouble begins not with ruptures themselves, but when too many ruptures go unrepaired for too long. That’s when relationships fall into the “ditch”. And what steers relationships into the ditch, again and again, are the very patterns that contribute to insecure attachment – low-quality relational dynamics where repairs aren’t attempted, aren’t effective, or aren’t sustained, and where emotional debts accumulate instead of get settled.

Unrepaired ruptures over time during childhood can leave deeper imprints. When emotional overwhelm cannot be processed because the relational caregiving environment is too restrictive, the residue can become trauma – a physiological imprint that outlives the moment and disrupts the ability to live in the present in an open, flexible and adaptive way.

Carrying many unrepaired ruptures means we arrive into adulthood with developmental gaps. At that point, it becomes our own responsibility – our own ability to respond – to fill them. But we can’t respond to what we can’t see or feel. Pain and suffering often reveal the gaps, especially when they repeat. Yet some people remain so defended from pain – through substances, denial, or refusal to reflect on how they impact others (including themselves) – that they never confront the pain. In doing so, they prolong their suffering and limit their capacity for meaningful and satisfying relationships. Some remain so cushioned from self-examination that they never grow into the deeper and more mature relational satisfaction available to them.

So again, the question returns: What is the purpose of life, beyond mere survival?

For me, the answer is my children. My purpose is to give them the best relationship with me as their mother – and with themselves and with each other (between the three of them) – that I can. These relationships shape the foundation that carries them into a world full of opportunity, hope, uncertainty, and injustice. Offering them a baseline of secure attachment helps prepare them for the parts of life I cannot control and keeps me focused on the parts where I do have agency.

I want to give my children the best of what I have, not in material terms but in relational ones and I’ve shared how I understand and measure that. That’s important, because children internalize the way they are perceived and treated; they often learn to treat themselves the way they experienced their parents treating them. When they reach adulthood, I don’t want them burdened with so many unrepaired ruptures and developmental gaps that they must repair and heal themselves before they can even see their potential.

And because of that, my own healing becomes part of my purpose. Filling in my developmental gaps allows me to show up more in meeting my potential as a mother. A mother who can offer a sturdy enough relational foundation between them and me, hopefully between themselves, and eventually expand to others. It’s a generational repair effort, and I’m committed to doing my part.

It is in this kind of giving that I receive a sense of deep satisfaction and meaning in life. That is the reward. Offering a solid relational foundation from which my children can build resilience and enjoy meaningful relationships beyond just me as their mom, and pursue their calling in life.

High-quality relationships are foundational to me – and cultivating them is a lifelong pursuit, one I hope will bless my children wherever they go in life.

Cultivating this clarity of meaning and purpose protects me from the noise of life. So many worthy priorities bid for my attention, but distilling my own life’s meaning in this way feels like using a compass – simple, steady, and profoundly clarifying for guiding the direction I move towards in life.

And perhaps someday, the world will feel the impact and be quietly better because of the way my children moved through it. And hopefully my children will feel a deep sense of meaning and satisfaction through the kind of giving they offer – the kind of giving from within, that is its own reward.

Unrushed Presence

Let’s meet – soul to soul, heart to heart, mind to mind.

What activities take up your waking time? What does your sleeping mind show you at night?

Let’s be here, together.  What are your thoughts and hopes and fears for the future?  

What has remorse, regret, sorrow, grief, and anger taught you?

What has joy, accomplishment, excitement, and taking pride in yourself taught you?

Let’s go slow and deep.  Not hurried and rushed or boringly shallow.

So much of my communication these days seems so rushed and hallow. 

Let me show you my interest and curiosity about who you are, without freaking you out and scaring you away. And you can do the same without scaring me away either.

Take off the masks, the charade, the banter-chatter. Let’s just chill, pace ourselves with one another and choose to go slow to know each other better.

Even if we’ve known each other for years or decades.

This kind of interaction is so scarce in my life right now.  Perhaps it’s because I am overwhelmed with over-complicating my life by overbooking myself with demands that are so thoroughly unimportant.

Let me share my story and here-and-now with you. And unless I ask or you get my ok – please don’t inundate me with unsolicited advice and theoretical interpretations.

Just give and receive the purity, simplicity, and beauty of personal presence.  

That’s the best gift anyone can give and receive from me – pure, unhurried, undivided and untimed presence.

You, Me, and We

It is right and not wrong for me to have, to possess; an autonomous, differentiated, individual sense of self.

It is in fact, essential.

I need an “I” to relate to a “thou” (whether this is a Higher Power and/or another human being) to become a part of a securely and healthy functioning “we”.

It is also true, that I need a “we” that is supportive, “I”- affirming, flexible, and stable or secure, to develop an integrated and whole sense of an “I” in all its richness and complexity. In other words, I need the “we” to be a safe enough place where I won’t worry about losing or jeopardizing our “us” when the formation of my “I” overtly or covertly differentiates from the “you”, in our “we”. And if I (or you) do worry, it can be openly talked about and worked through in the “I” space and the “we” space. It doesn’t become the proverbial elephant in the room that eventually eats the rug it’s being impossibly swept under due to deprivation.

When I experience being me, and you experience being you, and we can honor and affirm one another without denial or diminishment of one another’s differences, this is beautiful intimacy that generously supports You, Me, and We.

This “we” can include a couple, a friendship, a workplace relationship, a family, a neighborhood, a community, and a world of all these worlds of we’s.

When there is a breakdown in the You, the Me, and therefore our We; instead of interdependency, codependency is found in all its cunning and baffling forms.

To mind our “You, and Me, and We” business is essential, courageous, breathtaking, and rewarding work. I believe we are inherently wired to flourish and thrive in this work, together. After all, it is a lot of work.

But let’s also leave room for humor and work, along the path of humanlightenment.

Positivity Isn’t a Virtue

I was recently asked if I was a “glass is half-empty” or “glass is half-full” kinda gal, to which I said “Both. I’m a ‘glass is half-empty and half-full’ kinda gal, because both are simultaneously true when it’s true.”

In certain cases, positivity is more of a vice than a virtue when it’s fueled by emotional dishonesty in my relationships. It’s not virtuous to deceive myself or others, regarding how I think or feel, just to appear or sound “positive”. I believe this kind of emotional deception can actually lead to disconnection and depression, are those “positive”?

It takes a level of courage to practice vulnerability and allow yourself to be fully seen by others. This is vital for intimate connection, which starts with being honest and clearest with myself. Sure, I can admit that I don’t like how I feel or think because they make me feel uncomfortable or unpleasant. But to omit them from conscious awareness and prevent me from attending to these parts of me isn’t a positive attribute in my opinion. It’s being out of touch with myself and, all while deceiving myself into believing this is really a “positive” thing to practice!

This kind of positivity is a type of emotional vanity and shallowness. It bolsters shallow and insecure connections, and is rampant in many religious/faith/spiritual circles, where I would hope to find these spaces to be where I can truly show up and take off the masks.

Owning what is true for me, is a more virtuous pursuit than “staying positive” if that means bullshitting about how I really am. That said, I also understand the sad reality that many people cannot contain the full weight of my truth, so I choose whom I share my vulnerability with, discriminately. As long as I know the truth of where I’m at, and am practicing being clear and honest with myself, and can be seen in this light in at least one other relationship, I think that is a positive thing.

Whose Shit Is This?

Is it mine?
Or is it yours?

Long entangled strings from old baggage seem to follow,
like a shadow.

The longer you’ve traveled this earth, the more you collect.
In it can be treasures or and, rotten waste.

Open up your baggage! Its damn flowing train is getting too long!
It’s now a tripping hazard for you and for me!

I wish it were as easy as the Baggage Claim at the airport. 
Travelers recognize their own or can check the name tag. 
But this baggage isn’t so easily claimed!
It’s mistakenly claimed as mine when it’s really yours!

Back and forth the disclaimed and misclaimed baggage gets passionately tossed between us. 
Like a hot potato.
Scorched are the hands who hold on too long.

Not all of this will burn.
There are unclaimed treasures inside too.
There’s been a spill from the unfinished business of your past.
It has contaminated everything.

When you indiscriminately throw away your past, it comes back.
Boomerang.
Give and it will be given back?
Karmic energy?

Reclaim the abandoned energy within and between you.
This will be a joint success, a joint failure, or a joint holding pattern; awaiting clearance.
You cannot abandon this energy force, without consequence.

The whole is more than the sum of its parts.

I repeat…

The whole is more than the sum of its parts.

So…
Whose shit is this?
It’s ours.

Your past, my past
Your beliefs, my beliefs
Your experiences, my experiences
Your pain, my pain
Your dreams, my dreams
Your grief, my grief
Your fears, my fears
Your victories, my victories
Your strengths, my strengths
Your weaknesses, my weaknesses

It all goes into one bag.
Like different threads, weaved into a tapestry.

Joint ownership.  Joint consequences.  Joint time limit.

One bag
One tapestry
Many threads
Our threads

We work to carry it together and move on,
Or we toss it back and forth together
And, remain firmly stuck in a holding pattern; awaiting clearance…
someday. Who knows when?

Meanwhile, time passes by.
Time – non-renewable resource.
Time.  No returns, refunds, or exchanges.

Whose shit is this?
Ours.
Whose treasure is this?
Ours.

*This is a poem about coupleshit coupleship.

from

Self-Reflections on Real vs. Fake Confidence, In Relationships

I like who I am.  I genuinely do.  Yes, there are parts of me I feel more comfortable with than others, but they all make up who I am.  They all belong to me.  The sum of all my parts make up who I am; deep, passionate, caring, and completely lovable. Not everyone will see me in this way, at least not all the time. I don’t either, and I’m OK with that. 

Others have parts of themselves they’re uncomfortable with too, and when certain parts or emotions are expressed in me, it may provoke a reaction from others which illuminates how they feel or interact with their own similar parts.  It’s very rarely personal, but almost always revealing of how one holds certain parts of themselves, usually unconsciously.  That’s exactly why it isn’t personal, yet to the degree an individual can make space for all their parts it will impact the degree of intimacy or intimate-capacity they have for another.

In conflict, pivotal opportunity arises.  The opportunity to strengthen a connection by showing up with openness.  When the struggle (and it’s often a struggle, hence the conflict) to do this is self-acknowledged, compassionate curiosity can soften the edges.  

As a type 6 on the Enneagram, I can detect extremely subtle emotional energy, for better or for worse.  You see, emotions tell on us. They reveal what we tell ourselves about ourselves, and what we tell ourselves about others, all at lightning speed. Curiosity engages with this process and slows it down, because it all happens so rapidly. Slowing the speed down serves to prevent defensively disengaging and shutting down the process, or reacting to it by going on the offense against whatever or whomever we feel defensive towards. What often happens when we don’t consciously slow down to reflect, is a missed opportunity at best, and a self-sabotaging repeat of things we’ve later come to regret.

When an individual shows up with a non-defensive presence and can attune, or meet me where I’m at with sincere, non-judgmental engagement i.e. empathy – it is extremely subtle but profound. This is how intimacy is built, and it is also where it is lost if someone cannot engage with this process. The capacity to be intimate and emotionally available with themselves, and therefore with others is what’s illuminated in these moments. And with that, the opportunity to grow. And, there is always room to grow individually and relationally.

When the opportunity is seized, it’s truly a gift.  A gift that’s birthed in imperfection. It’s a privilege to witness this. What I’m witnessing is another sacred human’s strength and profound trust in themselves, and the impact of being trusted by them as well. There’s risk involved. I want to show up as honestly and authentically as I can, there’s little room for perfectionism in this process.

The natural slower rhythms of synchronicity within this level of intimacy spring from doing enough of this on an individual level first. When two individuals mutually cultivate this kind of space between each other there’s a shared protectiveness and enjoyment, and it’s quite nice and quite rare! So, treasure it.

And while enduring the experiences where there’s a lack of synchronicity, I’m learning to not take the misattunements personally.  It’s more than likely a ripple effect of the rapid past-time insecurities, anxieties, and defenses at play. The key word is: rapid. It cannot be overemphasized how important slowing down is, in order to engage in this process productively.

In certain cases you may find yourself in isolation when it comes to having the intention to evolve, and strengthen your own self and the relationship. When another individual (of which you have no control over) is more invested in their ego boosting their self-esteem, they will defend and resist with great effort. It’s hard to believe because it feels so personal, and it is, but it’s not about YOUR personhood, it’s about theirs. Their very own sense of self-esteem is dependent on a false self (ego) to feel secure, and there is rigidity, not flexibility, in the ego. It’s ego-preservation vs. self-preservation.

When the True self is the one fueling self-esteem, there’s an openness that emerges because the True Self, knows itself and all of its parts (the good the bad and the ugly) can belong so clearly to itself regardless of how anyone may react. It’s an integrated Self that is self-accepting.

So when you experience resistance, understand this is where you can also grow. And to be clear, resistance and defensive reactions can range anywhere from avoidance to fleeing to going on the offense by becoming either passive-aggressive or blatantly aggressive. This is indicative of ego-preservation, that results from having a fragile source of self-esteem (the ego).

When (not if, but when) this happens, you’ll have an opportunity with yourself to get very clarifying information around your own ego-preservation activities, which we all have to different degrees, and of different levels of awareness and intensity depending on how your personality operates (read up on Enneagram). The cracks in your own armor around this may likely get exposed.  Ouch. And welcome to the human race, once again. How you respond has impact. Invite yourself to become empowered.

Some of us are more easily duped by our egos than others. To those who have very sophisticated egos when it comes to self-awareness and where we are on our growth maps, you may want to ask yourself some discerning questions:

  • Do you value or dismiss what’s triggering you? 
  • Do you engage in vulnerable and compassionate self-reflection, sharing this with at least one individual who will challenge and vet your narrative?

If not, you’ll stay stuck and your evolution will pass this opportunity by, and will return again and again until you’ve worked this through to completion.  And, may then visit your descendents for the opportunity to evolve in the next generation.

Little by little, (which is the pace that organic life grows) you’ll stretch your window of tolerating discomfort as you receive these Divinely inspired opportunities to say yes to building a sense of genuine self-confidence that stems from grace and truth.

This is how ultimately how I see adult development works, whether I like parts of it or not. 

Soul Gardening

my writing inspirator

Relationships are like soul-gardens.  What’s lurking beneath the surface within the soil of the relationship will in time, be revealed in both people, in different ways and will impact and manifest in both individuals according to the uniqueness of each individual soul. 

Depending on how conscious both people are about which seeds are planted in their garden, you’ll either harvest something very close to your desires or, far from them. But, you will harvest whatever seeds have been planted and nurtured consistently. 

What do you want to harvest from your soul-garden? 

Think of this carefully…for the seeds you sow into your soul-garden (relationship) will also be what you reap within your own individual souls to varying degrees.  We are impacted by our relationships, and our relationships are impacted by how we perceive ourselves which in turn impacts how we show up in our relationships and treat one another. These perceptions seem small and insignificant (like seeds) but produce significant things. Think of an acorn.

Seeds have invisible power, naked to the physical eye. They hold immense energy though. Seeds are mini power-houses. What kinds of seeds are you planting into your soul-garden?  Let me say it again: Every seed will produce something, depending on the type of seed you sow.

Plant consciously.

These are some of the seeds we can plant in our soul-gardens (aka – relationships):

  • kindness
  • grace
  • patience
  • respect
  • compassion
  • vulnerability
  • authenticity
  • understanding
  • honesty
  • generosity
  • mutuality
  • passion
  • warmth
  • tenderness
  • sensitivity
  • affection
  • humility
  • freedom
  • responsiveness
  • awareness
  • openness/receptivity
  • curiosity
  • encouragement
  • inspiration

These are weeds we can also plant into our soul-gardens, which all start out in seed form:

  • judgmentalism
  • ridicule
  • defensiveness
  • competition
  • criticism
  • blame
  • withholding
  • distrust
  • shame
  • violation 
  • doubt
  • aggression
  • coldness
  • cruelty
  • secrecy
  • insensitivity
  • deception
  • apathy
  • unforgiving
  • hiding/inauthenticity
  • selfishness
  • control
  • diminishment
  • ignorance
  • resentment

What are you planting in your soul garden?  Get conscious about this, because your significant/intimate relationship is a soul garden. We are shaped by our relationships, and we can also shape our relationships by the seeds we plant. Seeds are powerful, and the more conscious you are of the seeds you plant, the more empowered you will feel as a co-soul-gardner.

Within your most intimate relationships – you have power which impacts how you experience your soul. We live in a soul-making universe, and it is my belief that the gardens of souls are intimate relationships.

Self-Love Accountability Act

I’m holding myself accountable for, loving myself well. And to love myself well, is to know myself well, not just the parts I’m comfortable with.

This Self-Love Accountability Act will set you free, but more importantly – set me free.

With freedom, comes responsibility. With responsibility, comes freedom.

To the degree of freedom I seek, is the degree of responsibility I take. Outrageous and abnormal freedom requires outrageous and abnormal responsibility.

When it comes to our important relationships (romantic, parenting, relatives, workplace, friendships, etc.) I crave different levels of intimacy, but abhor all levels of vulnerability.

In my observations of being a human and walking with other humans thus far, I’ve noticed that we demand our personal freedoms, yet demand personal indemnity from our choices coming from our personal freedoms. This is not a political statement, but a personal one. We can be very shrewd and sophisticated in our ability to fight for our right to be unaccountable for ourselves within our most important (and vulnerable-laden) relationships. We hold others on the hook, while holding ourselves in tandem. It’s the double-bind of personal power within relationships. There’s this subconscious and tacit rule that can lead to so much avoidable stress within relationships when we energetically or emotionally communicate: “I want YOU to do what I don’t do, but better!'”

Personally, I’m becoming ‘woke’ to the ego-offending truth that I’ve lived for far too long relying on this double-bind to actually work for me, and those I care about. All while mostly holding them accountable while I defend my right to be free. This expansion is empowering me towards working WITH this paradox of personal power, which has both abundant freedom AND responsibility, in tandem.

For example, I’ve often expected others to generously and enthusiastically give me, what I’ve unwittingly been stingy and discriminately willing to give to myself – unconditional acceptance in the areas I feel the most vulnerable in. My vulnerabilities are parts or particulars deep down within, which I judge as least worthy of being seen in their unadulterated and unfiltered lens with dignity, let alone – love. Some call this shame.

The way to release the shame, is to look into my most shamed aspects of myself closely and in the light of conscious awakeness and see these sorely misunderstood and judged parts in the ways I want others to see me – with deep and sincere compassion, yet a no bullshit kind of honesty. These are not mutually exclusive. It’s living in the holding space of the human experience somewhere between “right” and “wrong”. Coming from a budding place of conscious acceptance vs self-ignorance.

It is MY job to know myself better, and love all parts. It is not other people’s job to do this for me. It is MY job to cultivate happiness, meaning, and growth in whatever circumstances I’m in, not others. And oddly, the more I do this for myself, the more I’ll find that this is being mirrored back by others who do this as well, almost effortlessly, but vice versa. Mirrors don’t judge, they just reflect.

This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ever reach out for support, or receive support that’s available if I should choose to reach for it. Withholding that kind of support for myself isn’t very responsible or self-loving, and just frankly doesn’t get me very far, very fast. If it does for you, then keep at it!

I will receive support to nurture myself, especially when this is something new and outside of my comfort zone. Just as someone who is learning a foreign language would be wise to put themselves in environments where this new language is well spoken. Where they can practice the language while receiving helpful feedback and encouragement, while on their path to learning something new.

Set yourself free by holding yourself accountable to giving and receiving with yourself, the kind of love you want to receive, generously and abundantly. By doing this, you’ll also be setting those around you free to freely love and accept you, without the burden of the subconscious quid pro quo of “give-and-take” when it comes to taking turns babysitting each other’s egos. You cannot give love, in order to feel entitled for having resentment for not receiving love that you do not give and receive consciously with yourself first. Correction: You CAN do that! Just ask yourself honestly – how’s that been working for you? Do you and the other both come out ahead? This is a direct message coming from one who has done this in spades, and comes from a place of self-love and belief in your power to do this, imperfectly but progressively.

I’ve lived long enough in my life to learn this lesson, that getting caught up in the trap of “giving-to-get” gets old and never seems “fair” or “equitable” for long. The tallies just don’t seem to ever add up on each other’s scoresheet.

How am I giving and receiving within myself, what I want to receive from others in my most important relationships? Before I ask myself if others are measuring up (albeit is a valid and necessary question) – I will ask myself if I am first? Practicing outrageous accountability in this, will lead me to outrageous freedom I’m so ready to receive, and thank myself for and attracting this kind of empowering love into my life.

Love and Shit

So, another intimate relationship has fallen through the cracks for me. I’m coming to accept this through grief and self-reflection. On this path, I find myself asking, “why?”

I believe all intimate relationships that cannot overcome its obstacles boil down to this: at least one person is not committed to dealing with their own shit.

This closed door between them and their past shit, comes in between their intimate relationships unless the other party is willing to settle for dysfunction or disconnect, and be at ease with dis-ease.

Everyone has their own shit. Shit from either childhood or adulthood, and usually a mix of both. Humans are biologically wired for relationships. There’s a ton of scientific evidence to support that, go Google it. This is neither good, nor bad. It just IS. When in an intimate relationship, you will find opportunity to either deal with your shit, or have the relationship suffer. Nobody can make this choice for anyone else. It’s a free-will decision that impacts others, but is only controlled by the one making it.

You need to own your shit, or your shit will own you. It’s simple, but not easy.

People who shrink back from going into their shit, will create more shit.

There are a million different ways to shrink back from your shit, which in turn produces more shit, which in turn produces more shrinking back…you see where this leads? To a lot of shit.

A few common ways people shrink back from dealing with their shit, which produces more shit is:

  • Violence/Aggression
  • Isolation
  • All sorts of addictions. Some are more destructive than others and some are more socially acceptable than others but they’re all an escape from your shit.

What keeps you trapped in this downward spiral is the practice of consistently shifting blame onto others for your present day behaviors. This is an effective way of ultimately betraying yourself. When you refuse to take responsibility for yourself, you don’t have to sit with what can actually save you, guilt and self-reflection. This may work for you temporarily, but ultimately comes with a huge cost. Because temporarily is only temporary.

Guilt will lead you back to yourself, but you’ve got to be comfortable enough in your own skin – all of it, to be in it. It’s the language of your own internal moral compass, which is always on your side. But people can spend years, decades, even most of their lifetime, at war with their own moral compass. This is an exhausting battle.

Guilt is meant to jar you, because if you avoid it for long, you’ll eventually experience a break down. Accumulative guilt will weigh a person down with such a heavy toll that they have to self-destruct to find momentary relief, with suffering at the tail-end. Unless you have a serious mental illness where you cannot feel any guilt or shame, in which you are a very dangerous person, especially to those who are closest to you but even to the general public. In that case, you’d be a sociopath.

What do you do when you’re in an intimate relationship with someone who WILL NOT GO THERE…to where their shit is? Clinicians call it trauma. Some people call it baggage, their shadow, or their inner demons. Whatever you call it, if you’re with someone who is unwilling to go there themselves, let alone with you – you are faced with the reality of your powerlessness over someone else you care about.

I’m learning love does this in that painful place – let go.

The most loving thing I can do for the other, and for myself – is to truly let go.

This is where I enter into addressing my own shit.

Doing loads and loads of grieving.

But if I do not enter into this work, I will return to it with more shit. I’ve been here before. I now know, what I didn’t know before. When an intimate relationship ends, there is a need to let go, and grieve with other safe people, and most importantly, with myself.

This is where I will find my own healing. For some people, what doesn’t kill them will break them down, and for some, what doesn’t kill them will make them stronger. I will to be the latter, and need support from others to do so because self-reliance is a sham. It actually makes me weaker. When I self-deceive myself into the delusion of self-reliance, I’ll will create more shit.

I don’t have to shut-down or close the door to my heart, even especially when I’m hurting. I will open myself up to what IS available, instead of fight what isn’t, even if it hurts at first.

I’m ready to meet life, on life’s terms and grieve the losses I’ve experienced and am experiencing. I will remain open, to what is, even though I close myself to what isn’t. This takes strength. The kind of strength I didn’t believe I had, until I was faced with the choice to either shut-down which would hurt my children the most, or to live, and let live.

There is serenity in acceptance, but the path weaves through grief, and will turn out better for me in the end. But now, it’s hard as hell.

But this too, shall pass.

Men: A Call to Men, by a Woman

I’m coming out of the closet with being so fed up with the teeny tiny toxic man box, as a woman. I have HAD it with the ass backwards relationships between a man and his power, which is socially reinforced like it’s on steroids.

By the way, if you don’t know what I’m referring to when I say “man box” watch this:

Mr’s. please hear me. We have brave men who specifically support and speak into empowering women to heal and rise above the toxic social messages that imply or convey that they are second class citizens, and to instead know their worth and resist these sexist messages that society or their past tells them. I appreciate those men’s voices in support of women rising above a culture that tries to stifle them. It may be a long shot, but for whatever it’s worth, I offer my voice speaking into men’s lives wherever it may be received.

It’s challenging for a woman to speak to men about gender issues because an insidious part of gender issues, specifically related to gender violence against women, comes from living inside the man box, where women are considered inferior – easily dismissed or slammed for speaking out. I wonder if this means most men are receptive only to men when it comes to having a conversation about what it means to be a real man even though most men who live with women or girls want to be validated by them as being real men too, even if they don’t show it. I’ll take my chances that some men are receptive to voices that aren’t exclusively from men when it comes to this topic. I believe a part of the problem is that most men are unaware of being inside that same man box, even if they never become violent towards a woman themselves, and this is what perhaps contributes to keeping them silent and complicit – adhering to the invisible man code of omission in the face of commission when it comes to violence against women. I am witness to this, and I will not stay silent, though I am not a man.

I’m a woman who has unfortunately experienced domestic violence, has reached out to men in my life asking them to confront this issue and the man with me, and nobody answers that call. Instead I get a litany of excuses for their disengagement, even if that means a woman they care about is at risk for being seriously hurt or worse. Where are the men? They are hiding in that man box, which is preventing them from being the men they could be, because that means being vulnerable, taking initiative, and therefore putting their egos in the backseat so they’re free to take risks with other men. That is why I’m personally fed up with this man box. The only thing that fits neatly inside is a very fragile male ego.

As a woman, I don’t have that man box to contend with in order to feel validated in my gender. I am not stifled by the socialization of my gender that is highly controlling and restrictive when it comes to having emotions. When I do encounter this from other women, I believe it’s second hand to women who have been indoctrinated by men AND women who believe the man box is all there is when it comes to being “strong”. It can restrict everyone to a certain degree, but less for women than men in my experience.

I know I’m a woman, I don’t feel the need to prove this by acting out in certain ways with men or women that violate or ignore the right to consciously have my own values. That is a gender-based prison our culture throws boys and men into, that creates barriers from ever being challenged from the inside out, by other men, or by women who are obviously not men, and therefore according to the man box, don’t really matter.

Sirs – please. Break out of that man box.

The reality is you DO have power which is unique to being a man. You can choose how, when, and where to wield that power but since it is power, there are big stakes involved. I am speaking as a woman who has been through the clutches of domestic violence, which in most cases though not all (some women do have significant physical and financial advantages over their male partners) involve a man using his advantages to evade his own inner emotional work, at the expense of his own family and exploits a woman’s vulnerabilities by going to great lengths to avoid his own. Although believing (albeit unconsciously) that entering into vulnerability or emotional work is optional at best, or God-forbidden – “women’s work” at worst. That the relinquishment of the only kind of power he knows – power OVER others, including parts of himself that he’s terrified or ashamed of (like his emotional needs) and cannot fully access. It’s as if his penis might shrink or fall off if he gets in touch with his emotional life.

Undoubtedly, you’ve been taught by a culture that you cannot afford to give up this man box. That the only thing to fear is, fear or vulnerability. But your shield of invulnerability is what keeps you caged inside the toxic tiny man box, and locks away your true sense of power – the power to consciously and courageously navigate through your own internal world and integrate that world with your external world. Your internal world of vulnerability exists whether you openly acknowledge it or not. Integrate this in a way that makes you feel undeniably and unpretentiously self-respecting and can entitle you to feel like the kind of man you will be proud of while in the vulnerable unmasked presence of those you’re closest to and know you best, your own family.

I cannot tell you how to do that work, as a man. I’ve never had to break out of the man box, but I’ve lived with men who are extremely attached to it, and it’s hurt. Profoundly. That kind of work IS man’s work. We women have our own work when it comes to getting out of our own unhealthy gendered socialization. It’d be presumptuous and arrogant of me to tell you how to breakout of the man box just like it would be if a man were to tell me how to heal my wounds from sexism or misogyny. The kind of traveling companion you need is a brother of sorts, a man who knows what it’s like to live in that box, and work his way out.

I can tell you that this refusal to STEP UP and LEAD your family, or your community, your department, your tribe of whatever proportions – with courage, humility, and self-respect is squashed when you live in that toxic man box.

The way UP is OUT.

The way to move UP from boyhood and into manhood with bravery, integrity, and strength that doesn’t dominate others out of a fear of vulnerability is to get OUT of this toxic man box, and get around other men who are doing the same. They do exist. Just as women who are healing from our own gender-based wounds, you cannot do this alone, which herein lies a challenge if you’re stuck in that box. You need others, and they need you, because you’re doing what your sperm has to do in order to create a new life – swim upstream. Graphic, but don’t miss the rich symbolism in how men contribute to the creation of a new human life. Swimming upstream!

One of my favorite quotes comes from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:

“If you want to know what a man’s like take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

This is the kind of strength and leadership women want from their men in intimate relationships. It’s hot. It’s sexy. It’s admirable and will make most women take pause. But in order to get to that point, you have to stop burying what the man box says you need to bury – your feelings. The vulnerable ones, not just your feelings related to being pissed off or horny, you’ll need the rest of them too – they’re there.

Our culture does you a disservice when they sell you short with the man box, and you cannot escape being exposed to it – it’s widespread in our American culture.

Depending on how much or how little you’ve been exposed to life outside of the man box, you may need either a shovel to dig out your emotions, or an excavator. But who do you need permission from in order to begin doing this work? – YOURSELF.

Doesn’t waiting on other men or mainstream culture to grant you permission to be fully alive and consciously awake to ALL of your emotions render you vulnerable and dependent, which is a violation of that man box you adhere to anyway?

Our culture does no favors to you, women, or children by keeping you in that man box. Dig yourself out, don’t wait for someone else to rescue you or grant you that permission. If you don’t have it from other men in your life right now, that’s OK. Revolt. Find men who get it. If you give in to the man box, you may slowly die by burying core parts of yourself alive inside a box that cannot handle a man that’s fully alive – thinking and feeling independent of that man box. Dig like the quality of your life depended on it, because I’m willing to bet a lot of it does if you have any women or girls in your life that you hold dear. And do it wholeheartedly because, you are worth more than half-assing it.

For more resources go to:

http://www.acalltomen.org/

Thank you.

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