The most attractive energy in others to me these days is simply pure, authentic, unefforted joy.
This is a beautiful, innate, and natural quality we all have. Joy.
When we can recognize our Essence clearly, we will remember our natural state of Being, which is characterized by pure and honest joy.
I did it again. Practice makes progress in being, me
I felt our collective discomfort but didn’t sell out
In that trance-like, shape-shifting blurring into “not really me”, me
As usual
I wasn’t paid by your approval
I was paid however, by my own
As anticipated, failed approval-seeking came my way
I now know what I didn’t, so I don’t despair
The fear of rejection subsides
So my authentic self doesn’t need to hide
I know in the absence of your approval, is mine
But when I reject my authenticity
I taste it in my gut
I taste it in my soul
And it always leaves a hole
Damn, the anxiety I once felt when falling in that hole
It left such disparity in my soul
In that disparity I found MY soul
But it never truly left me, it was only but an illusion
The absence of your validation doesn’t cause such an ego contusion
Where once forsaken energy can flow, that which truly satisfies me whole
Sorry, but I’m not sorry for being; me.
Though, I will seek to apologize for my reactions which fall below my behavioral standards as I learn to receive or perceive rejection, judgment, and criticism while being WHO I AM.
External rejection, judgment, and criticism are all welcome, as I consciously welcome MY AUTHENTICITY’S HOMECOMING.
There’s a cost that comes with being who you truly are. Minimally, it will cost you the loss of temporary approval. It could cost you more though, rather than just someone’s temporary approval, it could cost you the entire relationship if the foundation is based on you being a certain “you” that is not even really you.
There is also a cost to NOT living authentically. And this comes through managing the effectiveness of all the ways to numb the pain that is calling you to live in alignment with YOU and to stop living a life in self-betrayal, to varying degrees.
Living inauthentically can cause you to develop a dependency on whatever in life may make you temporarily APPEAR to be secure and self-confident. You will need to invest more and more resources towards appearing this way (to others or yourself) by altering your image or even your own moods in some form to fool yourself, until YOU say – “ENOUGH”. Until then, you may settle with living a deeply insecure life, where you depend entirely on numbing out from this insecure and painful place.
In short – this insecure relationship you have with yourself is built on bullshit, and builds relationships with others built on more bullshit. For some, a bullshit relationship is the only kind of acceptable relationship. It’s the only way they can feel safe because it’s so damn familiar; showing up in various masks, with familiar scripts. I’ve done this. I empathize with the masked life. AND, I want more out of life than what my masks can deliver, no matter how sophisticated or glamorous they may look.
One of the masks I most comfortably wore (unconsciously) was this religious mask, mine happened to be “Christian”. While I still loosely identify as a Progressive Christian, hiding behind a rigid religious identity paid off for awhile, until my heart desired more.
I’m consciously deconstructing and reconstructing my way of relating to all aspects of me, which is deep spiritual work. It no longer satisfies my soul to turn to a system of religious beliefs and practices defined by others in order to feel acceptable to the Divine and therefore, myself. Because I consciously resonant with the belief that I, as a human being am innately of the Divine.
I’m seeking to be more authentic, not “Christian” or even “spiritual”. This is what I see when I contemplate the life of Jesus or other spiritual beings who lived human lives, which inspire me.
I’ve been on this journey for a little bit. I’m finding that my tolerance level for numbing out and buying into bullshit becomes lower and lower. Simultaneously my appetite for deeper and more authentic connection internally and with others, expands.
I’m practicing authenticity, one imperfect step at a time. For me, this is what it means to be a spiritual being, having my unique human experience.
Allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of rejection and disapproval from some, while tolerating embracing your authentic expression from self-love is a transformational yet, intense internal workout.
Expect to sweat. And yet – KEEP SHOWING UP.
Divine opportunities often present in crises. You’re faced with a fork in the road. You can see your circumstance from a victim-standpoint swaying to the “Woe is Me” dirge, while indignantly blaming others. Or you can reclaim your personal power in making a conscious choice. Your move here matters. Therefore; you DO have power.
If you choose to remain a victim of life at least observe honestly. Ask yourself if you enjoy blame, shame, and playing the win/lose game with life, yourself, and others. And if so, for how long and at what cost?
If you want to reclaim your personal power, even if you currently feel as if your circumstances have flushed you down the toilet bowl, well then…grab hold of a plunger. Start to unclog the conspicuous beliefs inside which no longer serve you, and keep tripping you up or keep you bound up. You don’t need to buy into these beliefs anymore my dear. Try imagining these beliefs about you and how the Universe operates being placed in “quotation marks” or ending with a question mark, instead of a period. Even if these beliefs did serve you at one point prior, push back a little. If they can withstand the present-day experiential litmus tests of serving your highest goals in life, keep them! If you’re not sure, ask yourself if you can see where buying into these beliefs has kept you “protected“ on some level, but now; stuck in being stuck.
You can always numb out of from frustration until it’s unbearable because it won’t disappear unless you put a lot of energy into numbing out. Even, to the point of wanting to disappear right alongside of your emotions (some call this Depression). Or, let it energize and awaken you to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, especially if it’s uncomfortable (some call this a Breakthrough).
I compassionately, and fiercely DARE you to STEP UP. STEP OUT of an anachronistic north star with self-preservation as the bottom-line, often selling out as staying small to avoid giving it your all.
Please, don’t sell out on yourself. Find YOUR CONSCIOUS North Star from within, and set sail. You are worth it, and your world needs uniquely you to live this one life you have, authentically. Which means, receiving rejection and disapproval as a benefit, freeing you up to receiving something greater than mere fickle approval and acceptance.
Someday, your soul will feel the quiet but clear “Thank you’s” from others for stepping outside of your comfort zone. And, your soul will thank you too.
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